I would be remiss in my duties as an American and a blogger if I didn't at least briefly touch on the Presidential election.
This is the first time in a LONG time that the person I voted for actually won. I live in a state that typically leans red for elections. That isn't to say we don't have our moments. Yet, it can feel rather fruitless to cast a vote and know that in the end you are almost always going to be out voted. That's my perception, at least...
Tuesday was a mix of feelings. I'd moved since the last Presidential elections. I had not registered to vote since then. So I was still registered at my old polling place. I knew they'd ask for some sort of identification of where I lived. My driver's license wouldn't cut it. It was updated. The more I thought about it, I wouldn't even be able to fake it. I couldn't even remember my address at all. I knew it started with a one. Should I even bother trying to vote?
I googled my previous polling place and showed up there. I was on their list, but couldn't prove I lived where they said I lived. I did manage to recall my address with the help of... looking at my name on their form. Way to cover up the answers, Smart Guy. But Alas, no... They made quick work of me telling me where to go, form in hand. I showed up to my ACTUAL polling place and was greeted by a friendly table of women who had clearly too much enthusiasm. GO TEAM VOTE!
I had to complete a voter registration form as well as my ballot. It was on paper. Really? We haven't learned that we need the fancy compu-boxes that tally everything?
Forms filled out. Ballot filled out. I just voted! Look at me, kids! I'm a voter!
As corny as it sounds I really felt good about that fact that I'd voted. Even if my candidate wasn't going to win, I knew that I'd done my part to try and help. I went through a drive thru to get dinner and the young girl at the pay window had a I Voted Today sticker on. That made me smile. She had to be barely legal to vote and I found it cool that even she voted.
One I got home I was surprised at home much election coverage I was watching. I even told Mark that I'd probably just have it on in the background as I played WoW or something. But TV was beating WoW at the moment. I was watching the crawl across the bottom with results. I was watching the various news anchors and political talking heads ramble on about demographics and turn-out and percentages.
By this point it was looking like Obama had an early lead. I was excited. Mark and I were calling each other back and forth about how he hoped that if his state didn't go blue that at least his county would. I didn't even consider that an option for me. After a while I realize that I didn't even need to get updates. Between people on WoW talking about result and getting all kinda of IMs and texts about the evening, I had my very own political ticker coming to me.
I'd be lying to say that race didn't play some part in this election. Not maybe in the overall decision, but at least in the coverage. He's not white. We get it. Thank you news sources for pointing out the obvious every 10 minutes during your election coverage.
It was a historical night. But not because Obama is the first African-American President. Because ANY election is historical. We just added another name to the books, posters, encyclopedias, wikis, that says Barack Obama is the 44th U.S. President. THAT'S history. We had a candidate with the potential to be elected the oldest President. Sure, we had a woman who was a real contender for President and another who was a contender for Vice President. That is not to be over looked either. Yet when our children hear about this night... are they really gonna care about all the things that we find 'monumental'? Probably not. Because hopefully to them it won't be a big deal. They'll be used to the ideas by then.
The results were coming in. Iowa went blue and Mark was happy, tho his county went red. On the flip side... Nebraska went red. No big surprise, but my county went blue. What? Blue? For real... Now keep in mind that I typically feel like my vote isn't worth much because Nebraska goes red every election. Blue? That's a big deal for me on a personal level, because it renewed my faith in the power of a vote. The two counties containing our big cities in Nebraska both went blue.
I posted this @ 11/05/2008 07:55:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
9/25/2008
THEY SAY I'M HOPELESS, LIKE A PENNY WITH A HOLE IN IT
Project Runway has been rather difficult to watch the past couple of weeks because of a young girl named Kenley. WAIT!! Don't run off... this isn't a reality show review. I just use her to illustrate a point.
Kenley is going thru a variation of Willy Loman Syndrome. Going through life and career and not realizing what he's doing is no longer what's best or even what's needed. A sad sense of delusion about his own abilities. But this isn't a literary review either. It's more introspective than that.
People like Kenley and characters like Willy Loman are hard for me to endure. They represent one of my biggest fears. That feeling of truly believing that you are better than what you are. That you don't need criticism from anyone else. That's not to say you can't be confident. But to be so delusional that you can't take an opinion from someone else because you're right and they obviously must be wrong. Critics of your ability don't know what they're talking about. That's tragic. That's sad.
With reality television we see a lot more of this. People that think they are better singers than they are. People that can't take a word of opinion from anyone else because how would someone else know what's right for them.
Sure, go out there and be confident. Stand behind the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into your work. But be reasonable. Don't be so egotistical to think that you don't need input and advice from others.
It really is a fear of mine. It's what keeps my ego in check. Never letting it get the best of me. I don't want to be so cool or popular or wise and be so swept up in myself. Only to have a light bulb moment and realize "Wow... I'm not all that."
To me that is one of the worst feelings in the world. The moment when you realize you were wrong all that time.
This isn't a fear of failure. Go out there and fail with the best of them. It's the delusion of thinking when you fail that everyone else must be wrong. Because, obviously you CAN'T be wrong.
What is worse is never having that realization and everyone still looks at you with pity; as pathetic. But I suppose if you're that delusional then you'll never know it to begin with.
I posted this @ 9/25/2008 06:52:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
3/12/2008
UNDER PRESSURE
My job is stressing me the fuck out... There are days that I realize that I asked for this. Some days, I realize that I could have done better. Everyday, I realize that I can. One day, I will.
I posted this @ 3/12/2008 05:51:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
2/09/2008
TALK TALK TALK ABOUT IT, TALK AS IF YOU CARE
Is talking and communication so unusual? Are we that worried about what people will think that we only tell a select few what we are really thinking and feeling? Is it wrong to want to talk? I'm including myself in this line of questioning, but I pose it to all. In the past few days I've had three different conversations on what I'd call a deep level. The topic is moot, but the reaction after the conversation was usually one of, dare I say, surprise that there is anyone willing or able to listen. As though others couldn't be bothered to be a friend to someone and listen when they have something important to say.
Speaking for myself, I would say that there is usually apprehension when talking about something serious. As much as I like to be able to predict how someone is going to react, I can't. While I don't expect a bad reaction, there is always that possibility. Enough of one to make me feel like a scared kid again. Just when I think I'm adult enough to handle a situation.
I hate small talk. I've said this before, countless times. Anyone who meets me for the first time, might say I am aloof or shy, amongst other adjectives. When really it's just the opposite. I'm not really that shy, but I can't think of pointless conversation topics when really I want to know what's bothering you; what's made you happy today; what happened on the way home that made you laugh? Is that small talk? Maybe, my form of it...
There is some irony to all this talking, I suppose. This blog as possible evidence to the contrary, I find it easier for me to ask questions than to freely divulge information about myself. If you ask me something I am more than able to answer, but freely sharing usually makes me stumble. This goes back to my original questions. Are we worried what people will think? Sure!
We recently had a team-building meeting at work where we were asked to share something about ourselves that is unique. There is a similar question that comes up a lot in meeting people. "So tell me about yourself." Which I typically respond with, "well what do you want to know?" I hate this question. I immediately go into a mode of... do I share something unique, but that might be too unusual? Do I tell them basic things (which goes back to small talk that I loathe)? How much is too much to really share?
Of course I'm not going in to interviews answering such questions with, "I don't really care for green beans, because of some childhood trauma. I find stocky hirsute guys attractive, one in particular. I can play piano by ear. I'm double jointed, but it'll most likely mean I'll have arthritis pretty bad when I'm older. Did I mention that I like to cook, but hate to bake?"
Edited, tempered answers... I get it. But do you see what I mean about communication? There is a spectrum...
Talks too much ---> Talks but doesn't listen well ---> Doesn't say much or listen ---> Listens, but doesn't say much ---> Never says anything about themselves
I fully believe that we really are social creatures. Even those that say they are anti-social still want a certain amount of interaction if for no other reason than so they can communicate what they are thinking and feeling.
Talking seems so simple, yet so difficult sometimes...
I posted this @ 2/09/2008 10:32:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/14/2008
SEA OF LOVE
Mark and I went to see Juno over the weekend. We'd been wanting to for a while. Well actually we'd been wanting something light after The Mist a few weeks ago brought us down. But 27 Dresses isn't out yet. Yes... 27 Dresses. Shuddup! I like Katherine Heigl. I have since Roswell. Shuddup! I liked Roswell...
Anyway...
I REALLY enjoyed this movie. It's a quirky slice of live movie. In a lot of ways it reminds me of Clerks. Just a typical situation that happens to be about interesting people. Juno's spunky. Good hearted. Cool in that way that you want to know a person like her and hope they think you're cool enough to be worthy to be known by her. But she doesn't flaunt it. I'd be her friend.
But I digress. The biggest part of the movie that got to me was her viewpoint on relationships. Don't worry, I'm not spoiling anything. Juno comes off as this 'tough' girl who, while liking someone, is still very independent and self-sufficient. Her father divorce. Everywhere she looks people break up. How can a person really believe that two people can actually make it work? I really could relate to that. To her in that moment...
Having seen my own parents relationship break up a couple of times. I've been there when you hope they pull it together. I've been there when it doesn't. I've seen good people that I know end relationships that you just hoped would work out. After a while your faith is shaken. What kind of hope do you have when everyone around you can't seem to do it either.
This is where my optimism comes in. Honestly, you just know. And even if you can't guarentee anything 100% you go into it head first and to the best that you can with what you have and what you know. Maybe you can end up showing someone else along the way that relationships do work. I know that I've got several friends that I've known forever that are together and have been for years. It's folks like that, that make me realize that not every couple is doomed. You can do it, if you work at it.
Maybe that's a little more than the movie was saying, but it's what started me thinking. And you know you love it when I get thinking.
So here's to all the couples out there, that are trying to make it work. Keep it up!
I posted this @ 1/14/2008 05:41:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
12/23/2007
ALL MY LITTLE PLANS AND SCHEMES, LOST LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAMS
"...seems that all I really was doing was waiting for you."
I've had something on my mind lately. Maybe it's a rant. Maybe it's a bit of personal introspection. Either way... It's not meant as anything personal to anyone. It's just me speculating 'out loud' and opening the topic for discussion and debate.
When backed into a corner what do you do? Do you curl up... lash out... push forward hoping to gain some ground? How do you react? Perhaps "into a corner" makes us think too much of a conflict. Have you been in a situation where you had nothing to lose so why not put it all out there and hope for the best. I know that I've done that before. Sometimes too little, too late. But still... At least I can go down knowing that I did what I could. I gave it my all. No regrets.
It's a humbling experience. You are already feeling low. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's worth the risk of putting yourself out there any more than you already have. But it's all about the risk. It's win-win if it works out. Some people are more willing than others to put themselves out there and take the risk.
This is a poor analogy, but it reminds me of some of the monsters in WoW. As their energy is being depleted, in a last ditch effort they strike out with one last powerful blow. They give it their all, and why not? It's about the fight you have in you. Are you a passionate person? Can you muster something within yourself to make a comeback?
Some people wear their feelings on their sleeve for all to see. I'm one of those people. Yet I'm a thinker too. I know that when I've been in such a position in the past that I put up a fight for something or someone I care about. Yet even in less drastic times, people who know me know that when I have something on my mind I'll end up saying it. Sometimes you gotta be both a lover and a fighter.
To those who fight... I hope it works out for you!
I posted this @ 12/23/2007 04:47:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
10/31/2007
MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE
So it's Halloween. A time to dress up and pretend to be someone else. Who do you want to be? Someone different? Someone funnier? Happier? Someone more free-spirited? It's one night to act up (or out) a bit under the guise of a costume.
It can be sorta freeing...
That being said, don't read to much into this next part.
Halloween has brought up an interesting insight to my personality. I was probably aware of it, but never really gave it a whole lot of thought til now. Halloween brings up some insecurities that I have. While I can be outgoing once a person gets to know me. I still have my moments of shyness.
This is how it played out. We were allowed to wear costumes at work. I gave it a lot of thought. What would I wear? I have an Indiana Jones hat and whip that I could use as a costume. Maybe I could be a pirate. All I'd need is a hat and eye patch. Plus I could dress down a little bit if I did. Which, really... that's all I was looking for was a wear to dress down a little bit.
I went to a local store that has a wide selection of costumes. Of course everything was picked over. Not that I am surprised. Even then, as I was looking at costume I started feeling like I really didn't want to dress up. My main thought? What if no one else dressed up and I was the only one?
In the end I decided against wearing anything. Of course when I got to work I immediately wished I would've done something. Is it a big deal? No, of course not. But when you look a little more globally I do this sorta thing other times too.
When it's just me... If I go to a party, I like to be a little late. Nothing dramatic or 'fashionable', but just a couple minutes past the time. This is so I can see that the party is actually going on and that I'm at the right place. I wouldn't want to be there at the wrong day or time. In the past, I've been that way for dates too. Just to make sure that I'm at the right place.
Typically this is because I don't want to be the only one sitting there. It's an embarrassment thing. No one enjoys being embarrassed. Granted you have to care what people think to be embarrassed. The level of how much I care comes and goes depending on the situation.
Who do I want to be for Halloween? Someone who doesn't care about what people think. Easier said than done.
I posted this @ 10/31/2007 05:04:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
9/04/2007
THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME
Put your iPod on shuffle and write about the first ten songs you hear.
Warning: This is kind of a long entry!
Music for me has been like artwork. I may not 'get' what it is the song is trying to say. I may have a different interpretation of it. I may be completely off in what it means. But as long as you get 'something' from it... isn't that what's really important?
10,000 Maniacs - A Campfire Song: This is one of the first 10,000 Maniacs songs I can remember hearing. Angie would play it all the time when we would work the closing shift at McDonald's. Her huge crush on Michael Stipe compelled her to listen to the bridge of the song over and over. It's frequently played song in my rotation, even today.
Something is out of reach. Something he wanted. Something is out of reach. He's being taunted.
The Fray - How To Save A Life: This is one of those songs that I like for a reason different from it's meaning. The Fray's music being used in anything Zach Braff has his hands on, this song Loss. The break-up with someone you called someone special. A friend. A lover. A fight. A death. A mistake. A wrong choice.
Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness
The Knife - Heartbeats: There is a cover of this song that is absolutely beautiful. But I suppose that would be writing about a different song. Life has a soundtrack. And the DJ is full of perfect timing and irony.
Ten days of perfect tunes The colours red and blue We had a promise made We were in love
AC/DC - Thunderstruck: It's time for me to come out of the closet. There is a part of me that love classic rock. Arena rock. Guitar-driven. Eardrum-pounding... RAWK!
I remember being on vacation once and playing with some kids at a RV park who were listening to AC/DC. I was young, impressionable. I was also a pretty regular conservative baptist church-goer. AC/DC was "devil music". And how! It was forbidden ear-fruit. (Ear-fruit. Hee!)
It wasn't until later in high school and college that my love of classic rock would really come screaming through. Thunderstruck is definitely one of those songs. \m/
Jamiroquai - Black Capricorn Day: Little Chris and I were at a friends dance recital when I first heard this song. I was already a Jamiroquai fan and this just strengthen that love. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I still don't know what a Black Capricorn Day is that he is going through.
Ben Folds - Landed: This song for me is break-up set to music. I discovered it about the same time I was picking myself up from a bad relationship.
We'd hit the bottom I thought it was my fault And in a way I guess it was
...and I did. I was the one who didn't have the balls to get out sooner. The distancing of friends because you were in an unhealthy relationship and they couldn't reach you. But in the end, you get your shit together.
And you will be so happy to know I've come alone It's over
Train - I'm Not Waiting In Line: From a 'musicians' viewpoint, I love this song because of the electric piano/Hammond organ that can be heard. There is something funky about it that goes back to why I like Jamiroquai. Playing a bit of piano myself, it seems like a fun instrument to play around on. When you're really into a song and you're just going with the music, wherever it leads.
Lyrically I am amused by this song. A whole song about how he thinks the object of his affection is The Shit. Even then... he's not going to sit around and wait for the guy to figure out that he's crushing on him big time. Conversely, he knows he has other suitors, so why bother waiting around for someone to figure out that he has a crush. Then it's the last almost-whispered coy line, "Unless you want me to."
I'm not waiting in line And I'm not changing my mind for you I'm not wasting my time I'm not waiting in line
Unless you want me to
The Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles: A good, friendly, loving, drinking song. Sung for a lover... Sung for a friend... A fun jaunty little diddy that gets me feeling upbeat in no time. I always loved to sing the back-up part during the chorus where the guy just shouted almost every other word or syllable.
AND I WOULD WALK FIVE...-DRED... AND I WOULD WALK FIVE...-DRED... TO...A...WHO...A...-SAND... TO...DOWN...YOUR DOOOOR!!!
Oasis - Wonderwall: This is a song that I loved to play on the piano. Oasis is my emo. Wonderwall is one of those songs that you sing about unrequited loves.
Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall.
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit: I get a contact high just listening to this song. Seriously... there is very little sane about this song. Unless you're stoned out of your gourd and the universe has exposed it's secret to you... and only you... "Go ask Alice... when she's ten feet tall." Any song that is based on a Lewis Carroll story... well, I think you have to be high.
I posted this @ 9/04/2007 01:44:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
8/21/2007
I AM THE BULL GOD
I've come to realize something about my personality. I am a bit of a bulldog. Now like I've said before... admitting isn't excusing. I'm just making public notation of it.
Anyway... Let me define these a bit more. I've always said I'm a bit scrappy. You might count me out or not think I am capable, but I usually find a way to pull through. I noticed this when I was down and out and really needed a way to pick myself back up. In the beginning a lot of it was self-talk. I think most people do this. They pull themselves up by their bootstraps and suck it up when things get difficult. I would stand up for what I thought was right. I would speak my mind more. I wouldn't be as introverted.
The extreme end of this is being bulldoggish. Refusing to let something go. Saying what's on my mind when I probably should hold my tongue. Going from extroverted to overbearing. It happens.
What I'm learning (eventually) is that I need to temper it. Pick my battles. What's worth fighting for. What's worth letting time heal on it's own. This takes patience... which I have.
I posted this @ 8/21/2007 07:50:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
8/17/2007
EVERYDAY IS A WINDING ROAD
I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do to change a situation. Now I know that it can be said that there are always things that I can do to change a situation. I'm not doubting this. I'm just not able to see them right now with all the frustration that is swirling about.
It could be said that this is a 'control' issue thing. To a certain extent yes. I don't like feeling out of control of my own life. Who does?
I didn't get the job that I thought I would be a sure bet on. This is both depressing and a relief. More so one than the other. I would've had to take a MAJOR pay cut for at least the first year and even after that year I'd be skrimping to get by. Not good... BUT it's a 'relief', because I don't have to fret over taking that job and not making enough money and how I'd supplement my income.
Most of the jobs I've applied for have had such irregular hours that it would make getting a part time job difficult. I'm investigating other avenues.
And I'm thinking about going back and get my Masters? With what money? Or if I have two jobs... with what time?
My Grandfather was accepted into a local Vet's Home. This doesn't mean he's in. It just means his application went through and when a spot opens up if my Grandmother is willing to put him in the Vet's Home, she can. I'm truly shocked by all of this... Until you have to do it (or know someone who does) you are never really prepared for the insane cost of what it takes to put a loved one in a home. It's insane. What bothers me about all this is, as we've been gathering information about the process and care and cost the amount keeps getting higher and higher. They start out by telling you one estimated guess of a price. But as you get closer to making a decision, then boom! Then you realize that they'd literally have to sell everything and turn over all incoming in order to pay for it. Then once they've sapped you dry then they will evaluate if you can get financial assistance. Fuck that.
For all my introverted ways, I am a social being. I couldn't survive without people in my life. I've wondered if sometimes I need my friends more than they need me. That sounds worse than I mean it. But really... my friends are my family. Those people in my life that I am close to that I care about are the brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins that my genetic-family was lacking. So it tears me up when something threatens those bonds that I have with my family of friends.
So let's see what is actually in my control?
-Keep applying for jobs. -Hope that I get one that pays decent. -Hope that my grandparents figure out a way to make everything work. -Hope I don't lose a friend.
That's a lot more 'hoping' that I like to rely on.
I posted this @ 8/17/2007 08:58:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
6/20/2007
READ MY MIND
Why do you blog? Or alternately, why do you read blogs?
I was reading this from my daily selection and it got me thinking. I don't necessarily think I write like the little kid in the entry. There is certainly some Stream Of Consciousness writing going on, though. I'm not always serious, but not always fluffy either. I tell other people that some topic would make a good blog post more often than thinking it about my own life. Yet within the past few entries I've written about missing Mark, drying herbs, posted a couple funny You Tube clips, wrote about an amusing work story, and exposed a bit of my neurosis. Ask my friends... That's pretty much a typical week with me in person.
In face to face conversations I have a habit of starting stories with no lead-in. No build-up. I just jump right in to the topic as though we'd been talking about it for a while. I feel like my blog is the same way. Perhaps it's a bit whiplashtic, but it gets the job done. (Whiplashtic would make a great band name)
I couldn't care less if my blog was super popular. I know people read that don't know me. I often wonder what they must think of me. Not in an insecure way. Just the impression they must get of me based on what they read. Would they see me the same way as someone who's meet me in person?
I think most times the things I write about are just little snippets, topics, or tidbits that I want to share with... whomever. I don't write for notoriety. I don't write for online celeb status. I don't write to change the world necessarily. Other than to maybe make someone's day seem a little lighter.
I think my blog is appropriately titled. Comical? Sometimes. Rambling. Most times. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
I posted this @ 6/20/2007 10:19:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
6/18/2007
DON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW
I'm backwards of most people. I mainly listen to upbeat music when I need an emotional pick me up. This song always does the trick. Plus it has a fucking march band! BAND GEEKS RULE!
All i want is to see you smile, If it takes just a little while, I know you don't believe that it's true, I never meant any harm to you.
I posted this @ 6/18/2007 04:05:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
6/06/2007
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU
I'm a bigger dork in my head than I am in real life. Which may or not be surprising to you depending on how well you know me. For instance, I'm not typically nervous about meeting new people. At least not at first. It isn't til right before it happens that I worry that I'm going to start speaking in an accent. Seriously. I sometimes have to give it thought in order to not pull a Phoebe. What if I was to meet some of Mark's family or friends and suddenly slip into a British accent?
I've joked about doing it enough that I feel I might just do it unknowingly. I have a pretty easy time picking up certain accents (Southern, British, Irish, Jersey, to name a few). When I worked on the phones and would talk with a caller with a heavy accent I would have a hard time not talking back to them with the same accent.
I just thought I'd share a bit of my neurosis with you.
I posted this @ 6/06/2007 09:43:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
6/04/2007
REMAINS OF THE DAY
What a weekend... It's been over a year in planning and I'm glad it's over. I can't guarantee that I'll be brief. This will be somewhat personal and cathartic. Yet, feel free to skip a paragraph now and then.
Over a year ago my Grandparents decided to have a household auction. The reason being my Grandfather's declining health. Would they need to move into a smaller house so he could get around better? Would they need to move him into a nursing home and put all their money into his care? In the end it was decided that their current house was their home and where they were the most comfortable. They would go stir crazy in a small house or apartment. So they would have an auction to reduce how much stuff they had.
My Grandmother began the long process of cleaning out closets and going through dozens of boxes. Their garage had been turned into an office/rec room years ago. Since then, it had collected boxes of belongings... theirs, mine, and others... over the last 80 years. Eighty years of stuff to sort through and decided what needed to be kept and what needed to be sold. She was able to do it as well as take care of my ailing Grandfather.
The week of the sale my Grandfather checks into the hospital complaining of problems breathing, weakness, and disorientation. They kept him for observation for a couple days. (Which, at his age, I take as 'code' for "in case he dies".) Two days before the sale and my Grandfather is in the hospital. My Grandmother was actually relived in a way. As bad as it might sound, he was at least not underfoot while she was preparing for the sale. Though, thankfully he was released last Thursday? I put a question mark behind that last statement because, as mean as it sounds, he would have been better off not being at home during the sale. Like I said, I know it sounds bad, but honestly...
Anyway, the auction was on Saturday. Friday night I arrived to ready boxes to be sold in the morning. That actually went smoother than I thought it would. My Grandmother mentioned there were still two walls (yes, walls) that had boxes stacked up that she hadn't gone through yet. What!? A year later and she is still going through boxes. Oh God... It turns out that she had sorted through them, but didn't recall what was in them. So as stuff was being put outside for the auction she would "look in them real quick" and see if it was something to be saved or sold. My concern was that she would not just "look" through something. That instead she would need to organize and sort through the box itself. Pulling out pieces of things she wanted to save. Stuff that said she'd done already. I was not completely wrong in that thinking.
At 7AM we began setting boxes out for the auctioneer to place where he wanted. With help from a few hired hands we started the three hour process of unpacking dozens of boxes. Kitchen stuff here. Bedding there. Odds and Ends over there. Tools. Toys. Furniture. Outdoor Christmas decorations. Boxes of plastic grave flowers. National Geographics from way before I was born (when they didn't use photos on the covers). And then junk... lots and lots of junk.
I told my Grandmother that she wasn't allowed to buy anything else. Ever. She laughed. I wasn't joking.
Seriously... as my Aunt Jenny and I were unpacking these boxes we'd come across random things that there was no point in selling. A plastic bag of straws? Folders from when I was in grade school that I'd scribbled and colored on? A box of old cell phones? This one actually was kind of funny. I set the bag phone (yes... BAG PHONE) out like a mother sow and lined all the smaller phones up to it like suckling piglets.
My Aunt Jenny wasn't helping too much at times when she would find something in a box and have to show it to me and ask if I remember when we first got it, whatever 'it' may be. Or if I fondly remember some photo that was taken pre-pubescence. Or if I she should put the encyclopedias in alphabetical order. While all possibly valid questions, under a time crunch was not the best time for most of those questions to be asked.
I probably should mention that these type of events bring out the 'worst' in my personality. When I get motivated to do something, I'm like a bulldog. I won't let it go til I'm done with it. Now, the key is getting that motivated to begin with. But that morning, for example, I had the energy and the drive to get that stuff put out there as quick as possible so it would be done and over with. I didn't have the patience to stop and look at a photo of someone when they were still in onesies. At a family reunion, maybe. But not right then, when there was a job to do.
People had been showing up off and on all morning starting to peruse the sale items. Eying certain antiques that they might want to bid on. The sale hadn't even started yet, and I'm pretty sure most of the furniture had at least one person interested in each piece.
I was surprised to see how defensive I became when I overheard someone mention the state and shape of something. "That's an antique!!" I'd say to myself when someone would comment on the shitty quality of something. I had to remind myself, that none of these things were 'personal' to anyone else but us. No one outside the family cared that the bedroom set was what I slept on when I grew up. No one cared that those vases were things that my Grandfather bought my Grandmother as an engagement present over 50 years ago before he went off to World War II. To them it was some knick knack piece of crap that had been sitting in the back of some closet on a shelf through several presidencies.
This sale wasn't just about 'things'. It was my Grandparents making their lives simpler. Less cluttered and cumbersome. It was a sale that otherwise would be happening in the wake of their deaths. They were saving me from having to do it later. After realizing that, I let any emotions attached to the sale itself go pretty quickly.
Physically and emotionally I was drained by 11AM. The sale had started. Everything that was going to be sold was outside. The predicted rain had held off, and the sun was shining. People were buying stuff that I had no idea would even be sold. Granted it was literal handfuls of items for a buck, but still it was sold.
Four hours, two automobiles, five rooms of miscellaneous furniture, and dozens of boxes later the auction was over. People were clearing out, taking their new found 'treasures' to their own basements, garages, and closets. My Grandfathered faired pretty well during the hustle and bustle of the sale. He didn't bark at anyone during an Alzheimer's flare up. My Grandmother seemed relieved. Exhausted mentally and physically as well. And the rain came just as the last pile of bought items was being collected. I'm sure someone with better words than I could make a metaphoric comparison to the rain washing away the collected memories, belongings, and dust of over 80 years of possessions. I am not that man.
I posted this @ 6/04/2007 08:01:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
4/10/2007
HOW SOON IS NOW
Mark and I have been seeing each other long enough that the little quirks that each of us have don't come as a surprise. My 'system' of how I hang my clothes. My slow-paced eating. My preference of warm over cool. My habit of flipping the light switch on and off 8 times before going to sleep. Wait... Did I not mention that last one? Sorry babe.
Just kidding...
We were browsing World Market last weekend. I was looking at their kitchen gear. I was commenting that most places only carry blue and red silicone bakeware. I would like to procure some but I'd rather have black. My kitchen right now doesn't have a color or a theme to it. But I have been buying black, white, and chrome items. My reasoning? When I do have a different kitchen that has a bit more ability to be decorated I have kitchen items that I can easily use and not worry about color. Or if I change my mind I'm not stuck with all blue or all red appliances.
This would be a quirk.
I realized this when I was looking at box graters and Mark found one, but I rejected it because of reasons that were wholly inconsequential to the actual ownership of said grater to begin with. Basically put... If anyone is judging me because of my cheese grater then they are the ones with the problem. Not me.
Welcome to my neuroses. I think he's in for a bumpy ride.
But seriously, I am fascinated by people and how relationships progress. I know there are no hard fast rules to dating and getting to know someone. I know that what might work for someone might not work for someone else.
For people that have been married or together for a long time... take a moment to think about these things.
When was the first time your significant other said "I love you"? How far into the relationship were the two of you before you cooked for the other person? These are the type of things I find fascinating for reasons that I can't exactly put my finger on.
How long was it before you spent the night together? How soon before you met their friends? How soon before you were comfortable enough to burp or fart in front of them? How long was it before you met their family? How long was it before the two of you moved in together? How soon did you take a vacation together? How long was it before you let them come over even when you were sick? How long did it take before you cried in front of them?
It all fascinates me. Like I said... I know that there aren't rules that govern things that can be equally applied across all relationships.
I started this post out by mentioning quirks. While I don't think any of the questions above are quirks, I do think they all kind of play into each other. It's about comfortability with another person. Being comfortable being yourself... I am at comfort.
I posted this @ 4/10/2007 12:58:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
1/30/2007
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY
Several people have asked how the job interview went, so I figured I'd just post about it.
Simple put... I don't think I could've borked the interview more unless I'd pulled an Isaiah Washington and called T.R. Knight a "faggot" myself. Of course there is a certain degree of hyperbole involved when I say that, but I think you get the point. It didn't go well.
A little bit about what the job was... I would've been a 'recruiter' of sorts for an organization that works primarily with the gay population and also HIV/AIDS prevention. It would've involved going into the public, educate people about safe sex, and recruit other to then go out and do the same thing. Pay it forward, if you will.
I am good at selling myself as a competent and organized person who can do a good job, when given the chance. I can't charm. So I rely on sincerity and knowledge to get my point across about my abilities. What they were looking for was definitely someone who was outgoing and had more working knowledge about AIDS than I do. My knowledge is passable. I know what I need to know to be safe. I don't feel confident enough in any ability of my own to go into the public and start 'preaching' anything tho. I'm certainly not outgoing enough to do so. I can be outgoing when it comes to groups of people I know. Yet, that is in a different way.
The interview involved many direct and indirect questions about sexuality (mine and others), drugs, AIDS, safe sex, work experience, skills, conflict resolution, strength & weaknesses. They asked what my involvement with the gay community was. Which was the subtle way of asking if I was gay. I'd heard that while they don't (and can't) give preference to gay applicants, they do see it as a 'plus' when working in such a job. Which I can understand... There was a condom demonstration. Which in the heat of a moment is one thing, but in a job interview with two 50-year old or more women, really threw me for a loop.
I always have hated the question about what I'd offer them in a job as compared to any other applicant. While I know it's coming, I think it's a bullshit question about what you see as your strength and uniqueness that no one else can bring. It goes back to me being charming. I'm sincere. It's like what you might see on a reality game show where they'll ask one contestant why the other person shouldn't win. It seems like a back-handed way of trying to see your bad side.
I've learned a couple things about myself that sort of bother me. While I consider myself pretty open, I guess I am more prudish than I thought. Which isn't a bad thing, but there is a certain naivety that I still have. Secondly, I don't feel I know enough about HIV and AIDS. I feel less 'big-city' and more 'bumpkin' in moments like when my ignorance is exposed. At least not as much as I think I should. There are a lot of things in the world that a person can worry about. Lifestyles. Priorities. Personality. They all play a part in what we choose to concern ourselves with. Overall, I think I should be more concerned than I am. There are ways to rectify this... increase my knowledge and awareness. Yet, no one likes to have their ignorance exposed. Especially in a job interview.
I posted this @ 1/30/2007 10:57:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/24/2007
I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH
An employment opportunity has presented itself on the horizon. With my current job slowly, but surely coming to a end I need to find other employment. The idea of finding another job is not something I'm looking forward to for a couple of reasons.
1) My current job is about as cushy as it gets. 2) The pay and benefits are good considering what I actually do. 3) This has been a great learning experience and a great job to add to a resume.
The job that I am applying for is with an organization that I have applied for a couple of other jobs. I would like to work for them because of their involvement in helping the community. They offer several services that I believe my crisis counseling background would be well suited for.
The possible downside? I've heard from a reliable source that they are looking for someone outgoing. Now... I can talk about whatever on this blog. Most of you who read are faceless names. Those of you who I do know and who know me... Well... let's put it this way. I don't know that outgoing is typically a word used to describe me. I can be outgoing once I know a person and feel comfortable. But to be outgoing just out of the gates is not something I'm accustomed to doing.
I don't have the job yet. And obviously pay and benefits are something I will take into consideration. Yet, I'm worried about whether or not this 'outgoing' aspect of the job is something I can do.
My confidence is only recently starting to get back to a place where I feel capable with just about any situation.
I would say wish me luck, but it's not the interview that I'm nervous about. It's possibly getting the job and not being to actually do it.
I posted this @ 1/24/2007 07:34:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
I'm a 30-something student of human nature. A music-lovin', groove-shakin', laugh-inducin', dish-cookin', gossip-slingin', type of guy. This is my diary of sorts...
