| 10/08/2009 |
Top Chef 5.5 - One Fish... Two Fish... Red Fish... Spew Fish... (Spoilers)
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First of all I want to think Bravo for starting and stopping Top Chef on time and not effin' up my DVR scheduled recordings too bad. None of this 62 minute or 75 minute bullplop! Now, on with the show!
Brother Mike is commenting on how 'Ector was a strong chef, but the likes of Robin are still around. Do they hate her? He thinks that Mike I, his brother Bryan and himself are the strongest chefs there. What? No Jennifer?
Mattin is lamenting about being in the bottom of the French challenge and being French. He's had a top rated restaurant in Food & Wine magazine. He believe he just needs to stick to his style.
Ashley is a twin... and her brother had a baby last night. So she calls him. She's feeling sentimental about being away from her family. Is this a play to humanize her more?
Thus concludes the Get To Know You portion of tonight's show. One of these people will be in the bottom. One of these people will be on in the top. Otherwise... Why mention their story outside of actually cooking?
Someone's in the kitchen with Padma. It's Chef Tim Love!! You might remember him from such shows as Top Chef: Masters. They're certainly getting their money's worth from having two such shows back to back.
What's their challenge? Tell them Magic Voice Over!! To reward fans, TC let us, the loyal viewer, pick the ingredient. When was this decided? The options were rattlesnake, cactus, or kangaroo. One of these things is not like the other... A small margin of 57% of the people who voted picking cactus. You can see the look of terror on most of the chef's faces as they hear this.
I like to put myself in their shoes... What could I make? I've got to be honest, I would have no clue what to do with cactus. I know it's edible, but I have no Earthly idea how to prepare it.
Just to make it a little more interesting... it's a High Stakes Quickfire, but no immunity. Just $15,000!!
Mike I says cactus is like aloe so you have to cure it to prepare it. Serve it raw/cured with raw/cured salmon. Mattin never worked with cactus before. He doesn't want to go too fancy. So he is going to marinate the cactus in tequila. Sound like a good idea to me! Laurine doesn't know how to make it the star of the dish. So she'll just use it IN the dish.
WET SPOT!!! Might I suggest that Robin invests in some non-slip shoes... before she falls and breaks her neck. Though, Top Chef has never had a person leave the show for medical reasons. Maybe this could be a first.
Ash is trying to make what ends up looking like a Taco Bell Mexican Pizza that's been made of Play-Doh. Thick! Oddly colored. Doughy. He called it a play on grilled cheese. Seriously?!
Highlights and Lowlights!!
Laurine - Cactus salsa with achiote glazed pork chop. Chef Love enjoyed it, adding that it has a nice flavor.
Brother Mike V - Avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche & red cactus coulis. Chef Love thought it was like two trains colliding. It didn't work.
Mike I - Cactus and tuna ceviche with pipian. He thought it was the only classically compared dish. Didn't he saw earlier he was going to use salmon?
Ron - Chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce & mango papaya crab salad. Chef Love thought the crab tasted rancid.
Ash - Cactus "grilled cheese". He thought the cactus had no flavor and the "tortilla" was thick and dry.
Mattin - Breaded cactus, halibut with tequila. Pickled cactus & red cactus puree. Chef Love thought it showcased the cactus through the tequila.
Ok... What the hell? I get it that as a chef you might have to switch up you dish on the fly. But I'm surprised they didn't mention that Mike I was switching to tuna from salmon. I'm also surprised about Ron's rancid crab. Maybe I just expect too much from this show to have non-expired food for the chefs to cook with. Lastly... Poor Ash... You could tell he had nofrickin' clue what to make or how to use cactus. It truly look like to smashed piece of Play-Doh with a couple smears of God-only-knows-what. I like a gourmet grilled cheese, but that... is no where close. And he knows it!
Mike I wins!! But no immunity... Just money!
I smell sour grapes from Brother Mike. He'd rather work with interesting flavors than take the slime out of the cactus. Um... Wouldn't interesting flavors include cactus? People do cook with it and eat it. Maybe not all the time, but still... Part of the challenge, dude. Quite whining just because you or your brother didn't win.
For their Elimination Challenge they will be preparing lunch outdoors, on a ranch, for cowboys. They will be sleeping on the ranch that night and cooking in the morning to serve at noon. They can cook whatever they want, but it must be upscale. Ash notes that they are all great cooks, but all they all great innovators.
Shopping Frenzy!!
Ashley is thinking there won't be a kitchen. So she's going for a play on a club sandwich. Laurine is also picking up on that there won't be a conventional kitchen and as a caterer she claims to be an innovator. So she should beok preparing food in odd conditions.
As they pull up to the ranch, they see that they're cooking on firepits in the ground. They have some cast iron pans, and chuck wagon-type plates and utensils. That's about it. Brother Mike says it's like a scene from a horror movie. Might I recommend Wolf Creek for such a horror movie?
Robin spent a month in the woods. She loves being in nature. Mattin loves camping because he grew up on a farm? Ashely grew up in the middle of the woods. She is reminiscing about her single parent family and being really poor. The outhouse is what makes it feel like the good ol' days. Eli doesn't believe in camping. Like he doesn't believe in Santa or two separate eyebrows... Brother Mike feels out of his element, but on teh other hand feels that a good chef should be able to produce under any conditions.
Jennifer is spraying bug spray around her tent on the ground. Ron is 'preparing' the tent he's sharing with Ash by breaking off tree branches. He puts them in front of the tent, to keep snakes away as part of a voodoo ritual. I think I'd go with Jennifer's method of pest control. Though, I'm not sure bug spray is effective against snakes or scorpions or coyote.
Speaking of animals... Mike I points out that Ash believes there are no animals in the desert. Mike I corrects him, saying there might be mountain lion, bobcats, tig-... Was Mike I about to claim there be tigers here? Ash jokingly claims he used to be an animal psychiatrist. You know... Before he started cooking and after his acting career. After he was a hoofer on Broadway? Mike I goes on to ask if there are bears out in the desert.
"Bear? Bears are sweet!" I couldn't agree with you more, Ash.
Laurine rolls her eyes and Robin mopes in asking if this was all humorous. Mike I assures her it's not humorous. Huh?! Was Mountain Man Robin asking if they were joking? Or if they thought they were being funny trying to scare the girls... and Eli? Let them have their fun Robin. Go take your gourmet s'more back to your tent.
So... Um... where the hell is their food being kept? Just in coolers? This can't be good... I mean. People get sick at picnics when they eat 'sun-dried' mayonnaise food that's been sitting out all day.
By the way, have you seen the commercials for Whip It? I love Drew Barrymore. I love Juno... I mean Ellen Page. Whip It is a story about a high school girl who gives up her baby for adoption and joins a roller derby league. It's NOT a movie about huffing as I might have accidentally believed when I first heard the name of the movie. Though, I might be confusing two movies right now. Anyway!!! It looks fun. Great soundtrack and Juno!! I mean Ellen Page...
Back in the Top Chef Deserts. Eli is re-explaining the challenge to us. They are talking a lot to him lately. He's going home soon. I'm thinking within the next two episodes. Otherwise, why bother letting us get to know him. We wouldn't miss him when he's gone if we don't know about him.
Ashley knows that cooking in an open flame is rough, because you can't control the temperature as easily. Bryan thinks he'll be ok as long as he sticks to his timeline of what he needs to do. Robin points out the chaos that is ensuing. Ron is asking for a sword to cut open his coconut. Jennifer questions who might even have a sword in their knife kit. The dopey music means this is Top Chef humor... as does Jennifer's pixilated look.
Brother Mike proclaims he isn't cooking for the ranch hands. He's just cooking good food. When people come into your restaurant they either like your food or they don't. Um... I get what he's saying, but I question the wisdom of that in a cooking competition. Laurine points out that Mattin and Ron are making ceviches and it doesn't seem like ranch food. Robin didn't want to do something obvious like pork or BBQ. So Robin is doing a hearty romaine salad and shrimp. She says even tho we may expect them to want steak and potatoes a hardy romaine salad can make them feel good too. Then you don't feel heavy and you actually want to go back to work after you eat.
Did she just seriously say that? Because while I can appreciate a salad... After you've been up since the before the crack of dawn doing what ranchers do... a salad is not what you want to see on your plate. Is she really that out of touch or is she defending what she is making?
I think people are totally missing a great opportunity on this challenge. Sure Padma said "upscale", but does that always mean you have to do some sort of seafood dish? I was thinking the point of this challenge was to make ranch food upscale. Not upscale food on a ranch. Maybe I'm wrong. Pork. Beef. Beans. Breads. Corn. Make it something bigger and better and serve it up!
Padma rings the bell, or triangle... as it would seem... Time is up!
The ranchers show up and it's... OMG!! IT'S MOTLEY CRUE!!! Oh wait, no... It's just Ashley 'calling' them a 'motley crew' of men who have been growing bears since they were 14. IT'S A HORMONE IMBALANCE! Way to be sensitive, Ashley! Maybe Jennifer orMattin could recommend a nice day spa for you to go and get your frazzled mane of locks done up real good.
Ash thinks he could be a rancher, "Looking at cows and lassoing things..." Sometimes the jokes are just too easy. But if he's going to set them up so nicely for me, it'd be a shame to just let it be. I'll give you a by on this round.
YEE HAW!! SERVE 'EM UP!!
Mike I is serving a pork gryo with an apple & fennel tzatziki. I love Greek food! I would totally eat this... BUT I would not, because he called it a JI-ro. Not that I expect everyone to know it's pronounced year-o, not ji-ro. But for someone who talks about their love of Greek food all the time you'd think he'd get it right, at least. Plus, living here in Omaha, our local King Kong Greek restaurant commercials have beat the word into our skulls for years!
Laurine brings us a sauteed arctic char with tomatillo salsa, corn salsa & grilled potato. The judges like the dish. It has a lot of grill flavor. Laurine feels she needs a win to really feel like she can compete with the other chefs. She's not going to win Top Chef, y'all. She's good, but not that good. Let's just toss her a bone.
Robin puts out her grilled romaine salad with drunken prawns and spicy chicken Italian sausage. Her dish sounds good, but it's not what I would call upscale or ranch food. Did she say she went Southwest? I kept replaying it to make sure. How is that Southwest?! But what do the judges think? It's terrible and compare it to sucking on a piece of flooring. She didn't try her prawns until after she served her dish to the judges. Robin knows it's a bad dish.
Mattin is serving up ceviche three ways. Salmon with apple, spicy tuna, & cod with corn. Chef Tom graciously let's Chef Love sample first, and he tries the cod which is too fishy. (In my mind I can hear Mark watching at home screaming "Because IT'S FISH!!") Tom spits out his bite, saying it's still very raw.
Ashley was inspired by her favorite sandwich, the club sandwich. So she's making a seared halibut with avocado mousse, bacon, tomato & braised romaine. Sounds like a winner to me, though I'm questioning fish, again! The judges say this is the best dish she's made so far. Which is a total backhanded compliment.
Bryan is dishing up a roasted pork loin on corn polenta with a bed of dandelion greens & glazed rutabaga. Ok, now THIS seems like ranch food. Polenta being like corn bread. The greens and rutabaga being your veggies. And as long as you cook it right... you can't go wrong with roasted pork. The judges feel the dish is appropriate and tastes delicious!
Ron presents a coconut, mango, lime & tuna ceviche with a Haitian coconut mojito. That's a lot of island flavors. They may be too sweet or overpowering. There is something about sweet and sweat that don't go together. Now, sweet and heat do though... it's a fine line. Chef Love points out that of "all theceviches" they've had that day, it's the best one. If a judge is pointing out that there have been a LOT of ceviches... you might want to back off the ceviches. But let's not forget the cocktail... it's terrible!
Brother Mike brings us dashi with miso & mirin cured black cod and watermelon. It's hard for me to even consider this dish good or bad because I don't care for Japanese flavors. But the watermelon on a nice hot day would be nice. They like the unexpectedness of his dish.
How many ceviches did we see this episode? 4... 5... Seriously! You're not going to win Top Chef with a salad or ceviche. It's an uninspired dish. Everyone makes a ceviche! At least one or two an episode. Is that all these chefs know how to make? Plus it's not hard to make. Even if you've never made it, you probably could pretty easily. The challenge lies in what flavors you combine. Much like a salad. You can make a salad, but what dressing are you putting on it. What components are in the salad. The 'challenge' is in your selection, not in your ability to cook or prepare it.
Hey! Since we didn't hear from Kevin much this episode... but we still want to remind you he's around... Did you know that Kevin is like the King of Horseshoes? Kevin played all the time growing up with a regulation horseshoe pit in his backyard. Thanks, Kevin!
Mike I and Ashley are discussing the way the seafood smelled during prep-time. Ashley smelled something the minute she opened a cooler and hoped it wasn't her. GAH!!! TMI!!! A fishy Ashley is NOT how I wanted to spend thinking about the rest of this episode... or the WEEK!!!
The judges call in Brother Mike, Bryan, Ashley, & Laurine. Ashley was glad to be on the other side of things for a change. They felt Bryan's dish was a perfect restaurant quality dish served outside. They really appreciated Laurine's use of thre grill and what she could do with it. Brother Mike might have been throw off by the unconventional cooking conditions, but it didn't show in his dish.
But who is the winner? BRYAN!! A brother takes the win again for the third time. We're going to have a brothers finale, y'all. Can you feel it yet?
Back in the Stew Room, Ash laments that he "can't be on the bottom. " Really? I get the feeling you on the 'bottom' a lot. If you're going to set them up that easily... You'd been warned, Ash. I'm glad the editors are making my jokes easier.
Robin, Ron, and Mattin are called before the judges for having the most disappointing dishes. Looks likes Ash's bottom worries have been put to rest for now.
Robin claims she immediately thought of BBQ when she heard they'd be serving cowboys. But she didn't want to do something typical like steak. Really? Then why didn't you SERVE BBQ! BBQ isn't necessarily steak. You'reexplanation makes no sense, but I'll let Chef Tom call you on your bullshit. She's not surprised to be there.
Mattin, on the other hand, WAS surprised that he was in the bottom. "REALLY?!" Padma exclaims. Her tone startled me. I don't know if it's the heat or what the deal is, but she is tossing the snark at chefs left and right, lately. Chef Tom points out it was poorly put together and Chef Love got sick from it. Mattin is honestly clueless that he made a bad dish. I can admire him standing behind his dish, but you also have to know what you're putting out there.
They point out to Ron that if he'd just made his ceviche and not the cocktail, he probably wouldn't be in the bottom. Ron doesn't drink, but he didn't want the coconut to go to waste. So he made themojito . I admire his desire to not want to waste, but you might want to try it first. And if you don't drink... maybe you shouldn't make a cocktail.
Who's going home? It's... Mattin!!
Someone spitting out your food is a surefire sign that your ass is going home. Eating bad food is inexcusable. Not being able to eat the food at all is grounds for getting your ass booted off the show. So the Birthday Curse continues. If you're unfamiliar with the history of Top Chef... It's bad luck to have your birthday while on the show. Because you will be packing your knives soon after. This episode was no exception, seeing as how Mattin had his birthday on last weeks episode.
Au revoir, Mattin!! Please pack you ascot and get the hell out! |
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I posted this @ 10/08/2009 01:39:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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