I used to play along with the Unconscious Mutterings meme. This is similar to it. Just fill in the first word that comes to mind. I took a few moments to delete the previously entered words, so my mind could 'reset' and not be influenced by someone's answers. Play along? Or feel free to psychoanalyze my results.
1. Cigarette: Cigar 2. Sex: Foreplay 3. Relationship: Boyfriend 4. Ex: Relieved 5. Power: Struggle 6. Create: Make 7. Job: New 8. Food: Network 9. Type: Font 10. Home: Garden 11. Care: Bears 12. Value: Money 13. Eve: Adam 14. Jest: Joke 15. Religion: Losing my... 16. Thunder: Lightning 17. Fear: Loathing 18. Marriage: Equality 19. Back: Forth 20. Spark: Flame 21. Tear: Drop 22: Trust: Worthy 23: Boredom: Blah 24. Inside: Out 25: Fire: Storm 26. Game: On 27: Soft: Hard 28: Ice: Man 29: Hard: On 30: Because: Why? 31. Community: Group 32. Wood: Elm 33. Theme: Soundtrack 34. Love: Life 35. Hate: Sad 36. Friendship: Many 37. Money: Lacking 38. Heartache: Sorrow 39. Lust: Hot 40. Time: Break 41. Divorce: Break-up
I posted this @ 1/31/2007 08:40:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/30/2007
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY
Several people have asked how the job interview went, so I figured I'd just post about it.
Simple put... I don't think I could've borked the interview more unless I'd pulled an Isaiah Washington and called T.R. Knight a "faggot" myself. Of course there is a certain degree of hyperbole involved when I say that, but I think you get the point. It didn't go well.
A little bit about what the job was... I would've been a 'recruiter' of sorts for an organization that works primarily with the gay population and also HIV/AIDS prevention. It would've involved going into the public, educate people about safe sex, and recruit other to then go out and do the same thing. Pay it forward, if you will.
I am good at selling myself as a competent and organized person who can do a good job, when given the chance. I can't charm. So I rely on sincerity and knowledge to get my point across about my abilities. What they were looking for was definitely someone who was outgoing and had more working knowledge about AIDS than I do. My knowledge is passable. I know what I need to know to be safe. I don't feel confident enough in any ability of my own to go into the public and start 'preaching' anything tho. I'm certainly not outgoing enough to do so. I can be outgoing when it comes to groups of people I know. Yet, that is in a different way.
The interview involved many direct and indirect questions about sexuality (mine and others), drugs, AIDS, safe sex, work experience, skills, conflict resolution, strength & weaknesses. They asked what my involvement with the gay community was. Which was the subtle way of asking if I was gay. I'd heard that while they don't (and can't) give preference to gay applicants, they do see it as a 'plus' when working in such a job. Which I can understand... There was a condom demonstration. Which in the heat of a moment is one thing, but in a job interview with two 50-year old or more women, really threw me for a loop.
I always have hated the question about what I'd offer them in a job as compared to any other applicant. While I know it's coming, I think it's a bullshit question about what you see as your strength and uniqueness that no one else can bring. It goes back to me being charming. I'm sincere. It's like what you might see on a reality game show where they'll ask one contestant why the other person shouldn't win. It seems like a back-handed way of trying to see your bad side.
I've learned a couple things about myself that sort of bother me. While I consider myself pretty open, I guess I am more prudish than I thought. Which isn't a bad thing, but there is a certain naivety that I still have. Secondly, I don't feel I know enough about HIV and AIDS. I feel less 'big-city' and more 'bumpkin' in moments like when my ignorance is exposed. At least not as much as I think I should. There are a lot of things in the world that a person can worry about. Lifestyles. Priorities. Personality. They all play a part in what we choose to concern ourselves with. Overall, I think I should be more concerned than I am. There are ways to rectify this... increase my knowledge and awareness. Yet, no one likes to have their ignorance exposed. Especially in a job interview.
I posted this @ 1/24/2007 11:05:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
I'M NOT AN ADDICT
I swear I'm not addicted to television. I can quit whenever I wa-... OMG! Heroes!
Ok let's give it a run down. I do enjoy television. A lot. There are some days that I don't even turn on the TV at all. Those days I'm usually parked in front of the computer playing WoW.
I am lucky that I'm seeing someone who enjoy reality shows as much as I do. The Cute Teacher has his own kind that he enjoys and I have mine. This is where the problems lies. In an attempt to find common ground among shows we sometimes watch each others favorites and will become addicted to them. I mean, not addicted... enjoy watching them.
Sunday - Pretty TV free overall. Simpsons & Family Guy is they are new or good. Monday - Heroes (just started back up) Tuesday - TV free night Wednesday - Top Chef (currently) Thursday - Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, The Office Friday - Most Haunted Saturday - TV free night
Now here is the kicker... There are several shows that get recorded that I watch either with Cute Teacher or as background noise while doing other things. Jeopardy. Inuyasha. 30 Minute Meals. Everyday Italian. Good Eats. The Price Is Right. Those come on their various days.
Where it gets worse... Lost, Ghost Hunters, Survivor, and Amazing Race are all starting back up in February. I may have to start working 4 10-hour days and use my fifth day as a TV catch up day.
I swear I'm not addicted to television. I can quit whenever I wa-... OMG! Lost!
I posted this @ 1/24/2007 08:47:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH
An employment opportunity has presented itself on the horizon. With my current job slowly, but surely coming to a end I need to find other employment. The idea of finding another job is not something I'm looking forward to for a couple of reasons.
1) My current job is about as cushy as it gets. 2) The pay and benefits are good considering what I actually do. 3) This has been a great learning experience and a great job to add to a resume.
The job that I am applying for is with an organization that I have applied for a couple of other jobs. I would like to work for them because of their involvement in helping the community. They offer several services that I believe my crisis counseling background would be well suited for.
The possible downside? I've heard from a reliable source that they are looking for someone outgoing. Now... I can talk about whatever on this blog. Most of you who read are faceless names. Those of you who I do know and who know me... Well... let's put it this way. I don't know that outgoing is typically a word used to describe me. I can be outgoing once I know a person and feel comfortable. But to be outgoing just out of the gates is not something I'm accustomed to doing.
I don't have the job yet. And obviously pay and benefits are something I will take into consideration. Yet, I'm worried about whether or not this 'outgoing' aspect of the job is something I can do.
My confidence is only recently starting to get back to a place where I feel capable with just about any situation.
I would say wish me luck, but it's not the interview that I'm nervous about. It's possibly getting the job and not being to actually do it.
I posted this @ 1/24/2007 07:34:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/19/2007
IN MY FATHER'S EYES
Do you think you'd would make a good parent? Or if you are one now... did you think you'd be a good parent before you were?
A long time ago, I had a dream that I was a father. I had just witnessed the birth of my child and I couldn't have been happier. I was running through the streets announcing it to everyone I met.
Now this was many many years ago, before I came out (BICO for future reference). I was still living in NCity. There was a lot of change going on in the lives of my friends. I think that a lot of meaning from the dream was dealing with change and change in my own life as well. It really was a new phase in my life. A birth of sorts.
I've wrote before about my thoughts BICO, about having a family of my own one day. In addition to those thoughts of having kids of my own I thought about my interactions with my friends who would be having children. If I couldn't be a Dad myself, I would want to play 'Uncle' to my friends kids and shower them with attention. I could do that.
If I did have kids, hopefully it would've been within a similar time as my friends so that just as I grew up with most of the people that I am close friends with now. Our children could grow up with such life long friends. It was something important that I wanted to make sure my kids had.
Now, here I am. Early-thirties. No kids. And not the 'Uncle' relationship that I would've thought I would have. I don't say that negatively towards my friends who have kids. We're still cool, you guys. ;-) I say it more in a mourning way that I didn't make more of the time at the time.
I've often said that my mind works like a movie. Scenes play out on how I'd like things to be. I often work things up in my head and can be disappointed when they don't play out as the beautiful masterpieces I had envisioned. Things may be great, but I probably imagined it better. It's a fault of mine, I would say.
I would say that I'm not the first person anyone would think of to ever babysit. I think I give off an aloofness towards children that makes people think I don't like kids.
I was an only child for the majority of my life and when I did finally have siblings they didn't live with me. I have not been around many small babies. So learning what to do and how you take care of a small little person is still very very new to me. It wouldn't be something I would want to do by myself. Not at first anyway...
I should stop now before this starts really sounding like a mid-life crisis. It's not. Just had parents on the mind...
I posted this @ 1/19/2007 08:32:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
I'M SORRY NOW
I have been a fan of Grey's Anatomy since the beginning of the show. I openly admitted have a crush on T.R. Knight's character. Not because of his looks, but because of the character he portrayed. George O'Malley is intelligent if not a little bumbling. Nervous in an endearing way. Always sincere. In the few interviews that I've seen of him he's seemed much the same (if not a little less bumbling).
Last fall, when co-star Isiaiah Washington (Dr. Preston Burke on GA) referred to T.R. as a "faggot" during an onset dispute with fellow actor Patrick Dempsey I was a little surprised. In my mind, I figure it's Hollywood. There are gay actors all over the place (some less open than others). How close-minded could a person be? The flip side of that being. They're human. Location doesn't affect a person's prejudices or hate as much as I thought it might.
Now whether Washington's usage was because of a personal dislike for T.R. or a 'general' slur... what gets me most is how he's responded since then.
Following the incident a statement of apology was issued by Washington for using such a term. Ok... so was all forgiven or was that more just a PR spin?
T.R. outs himself in the wake of Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris. Did he really have much choice at that point?
Now we come to the Golden Globes this past Monday. Backstage Washington denied ever making the remark. Saying that it "never happened." Huh? Since then it seems to have spiraled even more. T.R. has been on Ellen where he openly talked about the fact that Isaiah did in fact call him a faggot. Going on to say that he had "never been called that to [his] face" before in his life.
So why even write about this? I don't understand the motivation behind denying it happened. Even if you are personally trying to put it behind you, in the world of showbiz there are going to me questions. Everyone wants the inside dish. Wouldn't you think at some point you'd want just start saying it's an internal matter. Or that it's been dealt with and you're trying to move past it. In my mind, denying it only fuels the curiosity as if there is more to tell.
I certainly thought less of Washington as an actor on a show I enjoy. Even watching (yet another teary) episode, last night... I find my view of Washington tainted. During a touching seen Between Dr. Burke and O'Malley all I could think about is the controversy and conflict between the two of them.
Has Washington said anything sincere? Was his apology really meant or something that he was asked (i.e. forced) to do to save face for himself and the show?
I posted this @ 1/18/2007 12:02:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
1/17/2007
WHOOOOOO ARE YOU?
I always find this test interesting. Depending on the day I might be more introverted (I) or extroverted (E) Today I guess I'm feeling outgoing.
You Are An ENFJ
The Giver
You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.
I posted this @ 1/17/2007 12:37:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
STILL FIGHTING IT
The song is Still Fighting It by Ben Folds. I recently bought his iTunes Original album and it came with a 'behind the song' tale of his inspiration. When his son was born he realized that everything from birth was going to be a fight. Learning. Growing stronger. Knowing more than you did the day before. He says, "The scariest thing you've ever done is right on the horizon." The idea being that if it helps to know that your parents are still fighting the same battle you are, then maybe you can take some solace in that.
When this song first came out, I remember relating it to the struggle that I was having with my father. He was recently back in my life and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I've said some very harsh things to him. I don't regret anything I said because I meant every word of it at the time. The key phrase being, at the time. Would I like to have a meaningful relationship with my father? Sure. I'd love to be able to sit down one day and have a conversation with him that didn't leave me feeling like I'd just met him for the first time. I'd love to introduce him to my boyfriend and maybe even one day a grandchild. I'd love to be able to count on him when the time comes to say goodbye to his own father.
In my mind I have this idea of what the 'perfect' father/son relationship would be. We'd call each other to complain about our jobs. He'd talk about the next time we'd plan a visit together. I'd show up and we'd sit in the garage watching the cars go by on the street, while drinking beer. I yell at the kids to get out of the goddamned street. My father would laugh and say it was payback for all the hell I cause him. But that is far from the actually situation.
My father and I never fit that mold. He's done some shit that he will never be able to make up for. I've said things that I can't take back. It happens. We play the cards we're dealt.
"It hurts to grow up."
This song really reminded me that people make mistakes. It was no easier for my father to know how to be a good husband or a good father than it was for me to know how to be a good student and a good son. Life is shit sometimes. Hopefully there are more good times than bad. During the times that you are wading through it... hopefully it can ease your mind to know that you are having it just as hard your parents in their own way.
I hope that one day a child of my own will be able to look to me and think that whatever he or she is going through will ultimately be ok, because I am going through it too.
I posted this @ 1/17/2007 12:19:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
I discuss impending incarceration. Jen lays down the law. Mike raps... Yes. Raps.
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I posted this @ 1/16/2007 07:13:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I wanted to wish a very Happy Birthday to two hotmamas!
Happy Birthday Jen! Happy Birthday Brenda!
I posted this @ 1/16/2007 01:20:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
1/14/2007
HEY MACARENA! AYE!
I'm sure we've all seen it at least once. It's the train wreck of commercials. You can't help but watch it. Well, it's worse! Now you can subject anyone to it.
I posted this @ 1/14/2007 09:04:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/12/2007
THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE
These things are always kind of fun to me.
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
1. Opening Credits: "Unwell" - Matchbox 20 2. Waking Up: "When I Get You Alone" - Thicke 3. First Day At School: "Army" - Ben Folds 4. Falling In Love: "Fell In Love With A Boy" - Joss Stone 5. Fight Song: "Son Of A Preacher Man" - Natalie Merchant 6. Breaking up: "Wrong Way" - Sublime 7. Prom: "Blister In The Sun" - Violent Femmes 8. Life: "Saturday Night's Alright For Fightin'" - Nickelback & Kid Rock 9. Mental Breakdown: "All I Wanna Do Is Rock" Travis 10. Driving: "Authority Song" - John "Cougar" Mellencamp 11. Flashback: "Down In The River To Pray" - Allison Kraus 12. Getting back together: "Morning Afterglow" - Electrasy 13. Losing your virginity: "Home" - Sheryl Crow 14. Wedding: "Zachary" - Sonia Dada 15. Birth of Child : "Doesn't Really Matter" - Janet Jackson 16. Final Battle: "Start Again" - Duncan Sheik 17. Funeral Song: "Got You Where I Want You" - The Flys 18. End Credits: "The Goonies 'r' Good Enough" - Cyndi Lauper
I posted this @ 1/12/2007 02:32:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
1/10/2007
POPULAR! YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR
Do you remember the scene in The Breakfast Club where the five brat packers are sitting around and having a heart to heart? I always related to Brian and Allison more than I did to Andrew, Claire, or John. Mainly because when I was in high school, I wasn't the princess... or the jock... or the criminal. Even though I've been out of high school for almost 15 years. *gasp*, I'm realizing that sometimes, some people still run in the same cliques and circles.
There are some people that I know who have chosen a career path that will put them in contact with many adult versions of Brian and Allison. There are people that, for whatever reason, never developed some of the proper coping mechanisms for when things go wrong. Maybe they are too clingy. Maybe they are too 'helpless'. Maybe they are too accustomed to having someone do things for them. Either way. I would say that some sort of 'help' is still needed.
A recent situation has come up where a person has been uninvited and avoided because of their needy nature. To add to their issues they are having some personal and emotional strife that is affecting their housing and financial situation. When this person reached out for help in a moment of crisis the reaction they received was icy at best. Eye-rolls and heavy sighs have been the response so far. I take part of that back. One person did 'cave' and reach out in a friendly gesture, only to figuratively roll his eyes and complain when the coast was clear.
Nothing I write do I write without knowing that I have my own hypocritical moments. The irony of even writing this in a post is not lost on me. I would like to think such things are small when you look at the big picture.
I would wager that everyone wants, or has wanted at some point, to be popular. To be liked and to have friends is an easy way to measure your worth. Especially in high school. But what about after high school? Does it matter than your cell phone has reached its limit for phone number storage when you can't name one personal fact about each one of those people?
I recently uninvited myself from a party held by these 'friends' because I felt that by going I was losing a part of myself. I was giving up support for the Brians in the world in favor of the Andrews & Claires. I was a Brian. When I faced a similar situation, that this person is now facing, I had friends there to lend a hand. Whether I accepted their offer was a different story, but I knew that the offer was genuine. Popularity isn't worth having a few more numbers in my cell phone.
I posted this @ 1/10/2007 01:42:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
1/04/2007
THIS IS YOUR LIFE
I thought I would complete the prerequisite 2006 recap in pictorial format. The result of which surprised me a little.
This first photo is a prime example of how I surprised myself. I knew I was unhappy. Yet, I tried to tell myself I wasn't. This is what I created. The 'comfy' shirt. The grayscale. The expression. I certainly didn't recently win the lottery.
While it was gray outside...
...I did my best to brighten my day inside. A photo which led to some surprising actions on my part. It was a coming out of sorts. Perhaps more of a breaking out and shaking off of the things in life that were weighing me down.
After going home and centering myself I really was startig to feel like I could do anything. I felt renewed in a way that only a trip home can do.
After ten years with the same vehicle, I traded in my Jeep for another. Green. Jeep. Some habits are hard to break.
This summer provided some fireworks of their own. Traveling to Chicago for the first time. Getting all settled in from my move.
I was told by a former coworker that I looked really happy. She was so accustomed to seeing me with such a perma-smile. At the time there was a lot of change going on, but I was very happy. Maybe the professions that I had been making were true. Maybe I really DID like change...
A change in what (or who) occupies your thoughts is certainly a change I welcomed with open arms.
The holidays passed. Thanksgiving... Christmas... New Years...
Now here we are at the start of a brand new year. I think 2007 is going to be a good one.
In the past I made a wish for something that I didn't know the power it held. I didn't regret asking for it. I was unprepared. I know to careful what you wish for. That was my lesson in 2006. Now I feel more ready than ever. Renewed. Energized. Prepared. Alive. I feel like I can do anything because I have everything as an option. It feels great.
I posted this @ 1/04/2007 09:40:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
Jen is the Ed McMahon. I am outed. Mike passes the soapbox.
Leave us a comment. Like us? Give us some love. Hate us? Tell us as much. Leave a review on iTunes. We'd love to hear from you.
I posted this @ 1/03/2007 12:38:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
SO KISS ME
So how was your New Year's Eve? Oh yeah? Well, that's good to hear. You had how much to drink? Damn! I'm impressed and a little scared.
Mine? The plan was for Cute Teacher to drive here and we were going to watch the fireworks display downtown. Plans quickly deteriorated when I awoke to snow. It doesn't snow all winter of '06 til the one day that there are some specific driving plans. The fireworks had been cancelled in Omaha. Cute Teacher made it ten miles from his home before turning back because of weather. He called and we exchanged apologies and thanks that he was safe and not in a ditch somewhere. Of course, owning a Jeep, I believed I could make it on the roads better than his car.
Once the snow quit, we decided that I would make the drive to his place. Dinner. MST3K marathon. Leading up to midnight and the most awkward kiss. Not involving Cute Teacher or I. But this was the scene in New York in Times Square.
Oh... Ryan... You know he was trying for the lips. You know she didn't want her lipstick smudged.
I posted this @ 1/03/2007 12:22:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
I AM LIVING ON CHANNEL Z
I feel that there is a lot to talk about. I'll break up the next few topics into individual posts. But understand that there is some crossover.
It has been a long two weeks. From the 18th on til now there wasn't much going on at work. Business casual had been now classified as Jeans. Food was plentiful. Vacation days were taken like it was the end of the world. Or at least the end of the year... which it was. I worked two days in two weeks and I loved it! I've mentioned my Christmas excursion to my Grandparents.
I watched a lot of TV over the Christmas break. There was the World Series of Pop Culture marathon. I don't know when this was originally on, but I wish I'd watched it then. Though I must admit it was nice to get the marathon of the series completed in one day. Sure it was a complete waste of a day. I impressed my family with my knowledge of pop culture. Somehow managing to convince them that I am smart because I could name most of the movies that Julia Roberts had been in is the equivalent of a higher IQ.
I was impressed with the contestants on the show. There knowledge of seemingly useless trivia is uncanny. I find it amusing that a whole show was devoted to the bar game of team trivia. Men Of Vision & Cheetara were two of my favorite teams. Cheetara for their comedic timing and eccentric personalities. Men Of Vision for pretty much the same thing. I'm going to go out on a limb... A judging limb... Gay? You make the call.
Over the New Year's Break Cute Teacher and I were entranced by the psychological train wreck that is the Fox Reality channel and their show Solitary. I can see why it was advertised as controversial. Nine contestants placed in solitary confinement 'pods' and asked to endure 'treatments' and stunts until only one remained. Think Big Brother meets Fear Factor.
These contestants were truly undergoing torture chambers. They were woke at odd times by alarms and strobe lights. 'Forced' to endure protein bars for food. The 'treatments' included laying on an even bed of snub-nosed nails, watching disturbing image videos and asked to complete math equations based on the video, asked to do shots of hotter than hot vials of liquid. After sleep and food deprivation and various mental tests they would be asked to perform various physical challenges. The first person each round to quit the torture was out as a result.
There were psychological tests of mental stability that were disguised as exercises for them. Having a background in psychology it was intersting to see how quickly people started breaking under solitary confinement. For all the poor conditions that they had to endure for what I presumed to be almost two weeks... the only would win $50,000!? It certainly wasn't enough to afford the therapy you'd have to go through after the mental torture. Yet Cute Teacher and I watched the entire marathon.
I know I have an addiction... but I might have to spend more time at Cute Teacher's place so I can watch the Fox Reality Channel.
I posted this @ 1/03/2007 11:45:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
1/02/2007
I'M A LUMBERJACK AND I'M OK
You scored as A Big Bear. You are such a cuddle teddy bear it is untrue go scare them/cuddle them.
I posted this @ 1/02/2007 04:24:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
I'm a 30-something student of human nature. A music-lovin', groove-shakin', laugh-inducin', dish-cookin', gossip-slingin', type of guy. This is my diary of sorts...
