| 1/17/2007 |
STILL FIGHTING IT
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The song is Still Fighting It by Ben Folds. I recently bought his iTunes Original album and it came with a 'behind the song' tale of his inspiration. When his son was born he realized that everything from birth was going to be a fight. Learning. Growing stronger. Knowing more than you did the day before. He says, "The scariest thing you've ever done is right on the horizon." The idea being that if it helps to know that your parents are still fighting the same battle you are, then maybe you can take some solace in that.
When this song first came out, I remember relating it to the struggle that I was having with my father. He was recently back in my life and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I've said some very harsh things to him. I don't regret anything I said because I meant every word of it at the time. The key phrase being, at the time. Would I like to have a meaningful relationship with my father? Sure. I'd love to be able to sit down one day and have a conversation with him that didn't leave me feeling like I'd just met him for the first time. I'd love to introduce him to my boyfriend and maybe even one day a grandchild. I'd love to be able to count on him when the time comes to say goodbye to his own father.
In my mind I have this idea of what the 'perfect' father/son relationship would be. We'd call each other to complain about our jobs. He'd talk about the next time we'd plan a visit together. I'd show up and we'd sit in the garage watching the cars go by on the street, while drinking beer. I yell at the kids to get out of the goddamned street. My father would laugh and say it was payback for all the hell I cause him. But that is far from the actually situation.
My father and I never fit that mold. He's done some shit that he will never be able to make up for. I've said things that I can't take back. It happens. We play the cards we're dealt.
"It hurts to grow up."
This song really reminded me that people make mistakes. It was no easier for my father to know how to be a good husband or a good father than it was for me to know how to be a good student and a good son. Life is shit sometimes. Hopefully there are more good times than bad. During the times that you are wading through it... hopefully it can ease your mind to know that you are having it just as hard your parents in their own way.
I hope that one day a child of my own will be able to look to me and think that whatever he or she is going through will ultimately be ok, because I am going through it too. |
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I posted this @ 1/17/2007 12:19:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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