| 6/24/2008 |
POPULAR! YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR!
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"I'll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys. Little ways to flirt and flounce. I'll show you what shoes to wear. How to fix your hair. Everything that really counts"
Looking back on my high school years I know I wasn't popular. Our class had cliques and social groups that ran with each other. Yet, I don't think any of the groups really clashed over popularity. Everyone was kind of chill. Doing their own thing. I had (and still have) a great group of friends. I didn't feel like I had to be someone else to hang around with the jocks or the Hometown Elite. I may have felt differently back then, but I really don't think so.
I don't recall looking at the other kids and wishing I had that 'something' that they possessed that made it so they never had to worry about a date to Prom. Or never wonder where they were going to sit at during lunch.
I would say there were A-List people in school. These were typically the kids of doctors, lawyers, and business men in town. They were usually in sports and involved in all the clubs. Everyone knew their name, even if they weren't friend with them. If anything, I had a sense of healthy competition with this type of person. I didn't want to be them. I wanted to beat them.
Now look at yourself as an adult. Take a look around at your place amongst your co-workers. Cliques? Social groups? Has the FHA become the group of Soccer Moms that organize play dates for their toddlers? What about the jocks? Obviously the geeks and nerds are running the IT department or managing the whole show overall.
But more importantly, are there still "lists". Maybe it's a list just in your company or on a larger scale like your city. I'm wondering if people are still seen as A-Lists or not in your social surroundings.
It really does fascinate me. The more removed from high school I get, the more I realize that maybe things don't change as much as I thought. We just get older. Does our standing on any possible list really affect how happy we are?
Am I completely off on this?Labels: introspective |
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I posted this @ 6/24/2008 08:08:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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| 5/15/2008 |
DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ALONE
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I've been kind of introspective lately. So put on your waders. The water may get a little deep and choppy.
I'm going to say this, while keeping one thing in mind... It's said that the things we dislike in others are usually the things we dislike in ourselves. So if I do these things I'm about to mention, I would hope that someone will tell me so I can make sure I'm not being hypocritical about it. Now on to it...
I don't understand how people have an issue answering simple questions. I think it is probably one of the rudest things you can do. Personally. Professionally. How can you just ignore a valid question? Or a question out of concern? I would have to say it's one of my biggest pet peeves. And one of my biggest fears. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
In the working world you get questions all the time. From co-workers. From bosses. From customers. As a 'consumer', wouldn't you be upset if a store clerk completely blew you off and didn't even acknowledge that you were looking for assistance?
 In your circle of friends and acquaintances, the same thing. Is it really that much effort to answer a friendly call or email? I remind myself that not everyone lives with their email on like I do. I remind myself that people have all sorts of things going on that may prevent them from getting back to me. This is not a self-centered thing. Really. I don't think of myself in some entitled way. I don't go around demanding, "you MUST answer me."
In a job, you're boss would want an answer. Your co-worker might be awaiting to know how to proceed. Your friend might be wanting to make plans and include you. Your friend might be concerned about how you are doing. At what point does courtesy go out the window? I try and take a 'reap what you sow' approach. I try and be as prompt as I can. In return I hope that people would show me the same. Like I said... if I don't do this, please point it out! I truly don't want to be hypocritical about this.
Part of the reason this bothers me so much is I don't want to be forgotten. Out of the loop. Alone.
WHOA!? Did it get personal in here? Let me explain... Roundaboutly.
When I was a little kid there was an episode of a cartoon (Dungeons & Dragons, but that is beside the point) where each of the main characters were facing their own private fear. One of the characters fear was being alone. It always stuck with me about how horrible that would be. Castaway? Horrible movie for me... I'd end up going crazy if I was trapped on a desert island.
In my personal life this doesn't mean that I can't be by myself or that I have to be around people all the time. What it does mean is that I treasure my friends. I try and cultivate relationships in order to make sure they withstand the test of time. Because the biggest way to hurt me inside is to treat me like I'm not there. Like I don't matter.
Before anyone gets to thinking. No one has personally offended me. No bosses or coworkers have wronged me. Like I started out saying... Just been a little introspective and felt like putting the proverbial pen to paper.Labels: introspective |
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I posted this @ 5/15/2008 04:53:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 11/14/2007 |
WHAT ABOUT ME?
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Things you might (or might not) know about me: #8
I don't take hints well. Seriously... I don't. Not that I'm dumb or oblivious. It's typically because I over-analyze what was said and by the time I figure out what was meant the moment has passed. Straight forward works best with me.
Along those same lines, I think I'm subtle, but I'm probably not. If I don't take hints well, I probably can't give them either.
Thank you.Labels: funny, introspective |
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I posted this @ 11/14/2007 04:51:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 10/08/2007 |
IN YOUR EYES
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There are times when I'll stop and look at someone who I've known for a long time and suddenly it's like I'm seeing them for the first time. Like they are strangers. But familiar strangers. Friendly familiar strangers.
Sometimes something happens and you suddenly see someone in a light that you never had before. Maybe it's good. Hopefully it's not bad. For me, at least, it's never too shocking so much as it is just surreal. Maybe someone who was very straight laced suddenly cuts loose. Perhaps, it's the jokester that suddenly is having serious conversations with you. Conversely, it might be someone you trusted no longer being in your close confidence.
Mark and I had dinner with some good friends of mine. I've known them for years. I'm more friends with Z than J. Only because I worked with Z for years. There was one point in the evening that I looked at J as he was discussing something very grown-up. Very deep. It was right then that I saw him as more than the Good Times Guy that I'd known him as. Here he is talking about education and kids. In between asking us if we wanted another beer. So... it wasn't a 'total' change.
It was a great evening. It was just very interesting to me as a student of human nature to see the natural progression (evolution?) of someone.Labels: friends, introspective |
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I posted this @ 10/08/2007 05:12:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 8/29/2007 |
QUE SARA, SARA
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I'm not really sure the French know what they are talking about. Que sara sara this... C'est la vie that... Overall I'm pretty laid back, but I don't see how you can easily say whatever will be will be. If you have the ability to change something or to make a difference in the outcome of something why not do it?
Sure you could think of this as a more global concept. But honestly... that rarely happens. I tried recycling.
I'm talking in just day to day matters. I've had several people just tell me "que sara sara" in response to things I've said. I don't get that. Well, more correctly, I don't accept that. It seems like I'm just letting go of whatever hand I have in guiding my own outcome. Just letting fate take it's course. I don't think everything is so predestined like that. I think we can change how things are if we want to.
That's the key... if we 'want' to.
What don't you want to change?Labels: introspective |
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I posted this @ 8/29/2007 10:44:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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| 4/25/2007 |
THE MAMAS AND THE PAPAS
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My maternal grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. I didn't mention it at the time because... well... really what is there to mention about her? She is someone that I haven't spoken with since I was about 10 years old. Her husband, my maternal grandfather passed away a couple years ago and it was the same feeling. Or lack of feeling...
These are not the Grandparents who raised me. These are people on my Mother's side of the family.
Should I feel worse because someone that I am related to died? Because I honestly feel nothing. I can't even say I'd call them family. I keep a very unconventional definition of family. I am closer to some friends than I am some blood relatives. The saying goes "you can pick your friends, but not your family." I would disagree with that to a certain extent. You might not be able to pick who you are related to, but you can certainly pick you who you choose to call family.
Before my maternal grandfather passed away, I received an email from my mother. She said that he was ill and suggested that I go see him at some point. While I didn't see anything wrong with that idea. I didn't see the point either. It would be like visiting a stranger. While the news of my maternal grandmother's death was a bit more of a surprise (no one to suggest I should go see her before she dies), I can't imagine much was expected really.
My paternal Grandmother (the one who did raise me) called me to give me the news. She read it in my hometown paper. She asked if my mother had called me. She had not. A few days later I was planning on making a trip to see my paternal Grandmother. It was then she asked me if I was contacted by anyone on my mom's side of the family. Again, no. I guess I was to be a pallbearer at the funeral which was the prior weekend. My name was listed in the obituary as such. Oops!
Now here is where I get emotionally confused inside. Do I have much contact with that side of the family? No. Would I have gone to the funeral? No. Am I surprised that no one bothered to tell me at all? Yes, actually... A little. While I openly admit I don't feel anything, that doesn't mean that they don't. Or my biological mother specifically doesn't. If she cared enough to want me to go see her father, I'm surprised that there wasn't at least some acknowledgment for her mother.
Don't get me wrong. It's not keeping my up at night. But it just goes to show the on again-off again feeling of caring that she has. Does she want to maintain an open line of communication or not? I can't tell most of the time.
I learned that there are several families of aunt and uncles here in the city that I never knew existed. The curious side of me wants to know who they are. I probably won't... because.. really, why? It wouldn't serve to gain anything.
Maybe this is a little too personal for a blog, but I guess if you know me then you probably aren't' surprised by any of this, because you've heard me mention it before.Labels: family, introspective |
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I posted this @ 4/25/2007 11:56:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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| 4/20/2007 |
KNOW THIS CHILD WILL BE GIFT, WITH LOVE, WITH PATIENCE, AND WITH FAITH
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My coworkers and I were passing the time in between classes to read a few magazines. One of the articles was about a woman in her early 30s who wanted to freeze some of her eggs. She didn't feel she was at a point in her life to have a child. This conversation topic lead to women who sell their eggs for money. One coworker mentioned how it seemed wrong and mercenary to do so. Going on to say that you were selling your body. While I don't necessarily disagree with what she is saying I did see some hypocrisy in it. This was coming from someone who was part of a research study that was testing a cholesterol drug. Is that not similar if not the same? I was intrigued by how these weighed out.
We talked some more about it. What about people who sell plasma, or blood, or guys who sell sperm? Is it really any different? Is it more or less mercenary?
It turned more personal when it was said that if a person couldn't have kids naturally that "maybe that [is] G-.. nature's way of telling you that you shouldn't have kids." Nature's way?
Ok, so the question becomes this... Say, one day my partner and I want to have a child. Neither of us have sex with women so we find someone willing to be a surrogate. Are we not supposed to have kids? The question was never really answered.
But seriously... I don't know whether I'll be a good parent or not. Does anyone ever really know for sure until they have a child? I struggled for a long time with being gay because of what that meant for having a 'family' one day. I'd never met any gay man who had children of his own. It was an unknown to me at the time. Yet, to have it insinuated that I shouldn't have kids... that's malarkey. Nature's way of telling me something or not. I don't agree.Labels: introspective |
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I posted this @ 4/20/2007 11:26:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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AND THE WORDS OF THE PROPHETS ARE WRITTEN ON THE SUBWAY WALLS
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In the recent school I worked in, a motivational speaker had recently been there. A project had been completed wherein the students were to write their names an something they hoped to accomplish or hoped would happen in the future. I was actually quite saddened by what I read. There was obviously a large percentage that had the generic statements of "I want to be successful" or "I want to be a better person."
Then there the percentage of kids who wrote about wanting to be a good father/mother/husband/wife, or model/actress/musician. The combo of world famous brain surgeon/drummer was my favorite 'this or that' goal. Reach for the stars kiddo!
What saddened me was the number of students who wanted to help other people. Help stop abuse... Be a therapist... Be a psychologist... Help drug addicts/alcoholics... because most of those statements included some variation of the phrase, "like my counselor helped me."
Amongst these groups were the occasion... "Hope to stay out of prison" "Wish kids would quit calling me gay" or "find someone who will love me." I thought it was extremely brave for these kids to not only write these things and put them out in the world but to also sign their names so everyone else would see them.
There's nothing I really feel like saying about this. Other than just saying it.Labels: introspective, work |
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I posted this @ 4/20/2007 09:08:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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| 3/28/2007 |
WE ARE THE WORLD
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Perhaps I'm naive or blindly optimistic or too much of a dreamer... but it surprises me when faced with blatant racism and other prejudices.
The other day, as we were walking to lunch, we walked passed a construction site on campus. My job is a very international place with lots of medical students from all around the globe. During lunch it isn't uncommon to find table of people speaking a language that isn't English. Anyway... heading the other direction passed the construction site were two gentlemen with wearing the headwraps of some Middle Eastern country. A construction worker leaned out of the cab of his crane and yelled. "Where's your bomb? D'you gotta bomb?! Where's your bomb?"
The two men continued to walk on. I don't know if they didn't hear him... didn't understand him... didn't pay attention to him or what. Either way, it was crazy to think that someone could be so overtly offensive in such a public manner.
We stopped. Watching the scene play out. A co-worker took it upon himself to inform the construction worker that his actions where uncalled for an highly inappropriate. Taking a step further, he called the construction company to speak to the guys boss about his employee's behavior. Even without a name the boss said he knew who my co-worker was talking about.
A couple of things I thought... 1) Did the boss know who he was talking about because of past complaints? 2) Have their been past complaints and yet the guy is still working there? 3) Does being a racist not matter in job world?
I have a feeling the guy won't have much happen other than a "talkin' too" by the boss or some supervisor. It's sad that on such a ethnically diverse campus that anyone would have to put up with people like that. I think it reflects poorly on the institution as a whole. Even tho it was a hired construction worker and not a campus employee.Labels: introspective, offensive, work |
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I posted this @ 3/28/2007 01:49:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 3/19/2007 |
YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND
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I consider my friends to be members of my family... extended family if you will. I am fiercely loyal and would do anything for them to make sure that they are ok. If that means helping them out, if I am able to I certainly will. The downside to it is when something is on my mind. Call it an opinion, a viewpoint, a strong feeling, a suggestion, unsolicited advice... whatever. Sometimes it is almost impossible for me to hold my tongue. I'm always thinking. I'm always running 800 scenarios in my head of how things might play out. How they could be only if...
When I feel strongly about something I have a hard time holding my tongue. So, in the case of a friend you care about. A family member... Do you hold your tongue? Or tell them how you feel? What if it meant losing their friendship?
In the end, I feel that my voice has been heard... and I value a friendship more than I value my biased viewpoint. Putting aside the bias, I just hope the truth in what I feel can be seen.Labels: family, friends, introspective |
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I posted this @ 3/19/2007 12:55:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 3/08/2007 |
WHOOOOO ARE YOU...
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 Animated Idealist
I always find such personality report interesting. I like to see how accurate they are not only in my mind, but to other people that know me. Would they also agree with what the report says. I must say that for the most part I am not too surprised by these results. There are a couple things that I think or misses. For example, I consider myself to be a very open person. The 'trick' is you have to ask. So just by looking at the results you might think that I am a very private person. Not true. I just am very concious about emotionally vomitting on people so I tend to wait for someone to ask the deeper questions, rather than automatically share them.
My results as an animated or idealistic person aren't too unusual. Since in most tests I tend to border between being introverted and extroverted depending on the day. This is reflected here as well. Depending on the situation I might be the life of the party or I might be the flower on the wall.
YOU ARE AN IDEALIST
- As an IDEALIST, you are distinctive for your integration of confidence, imagination, willingness to explore, and desire for competence over style.
- You have a strong capacity to comprehend the inner workings of things, finding new ideas and innovative insights to feed your curious nature.
- You are quite comfortable in the realm of abstract thought. You don't need a practical solution to every one of life's questions.
- You are comfortable with the decisions you make in life. You don't need to second-guess yourself, or seek a lot of opinions before you make up your mind.
- You enjoy the routines that you have created in your life, and don't feel the need to shake things up just for the sake of change.
- You generally succeed at what you do, and others would describe you as successful.
- It is important to you that products be efficient – looking good has to come second to working well.
- You aren't the kind of person who needs to collect stylish items in an attempt to create an attractive environment – you know that what matters most is function, not style.
- You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
- You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
- Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
YOU ARE ANIMATED
- You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.
- Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.
- Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.
- You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.
- You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.
- You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.
- Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!
- In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.
- You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
- You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
- Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
Labels: introspective, test |
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I posted this @ 3/08/2007 08:13:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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| 2/14/2007 |
I FEEL LOVE
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I have been thinking about this topic for sometime, but I thought I'd save it til I had a clearer thought fleshed out in my mind. Valentine's Day seems like the perfect time for such a thought.
Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Lover. Hook-up. Steady. Main Squeeze. There are a lot of terms and terms of endearment that a person might be called. Some people don't like such pet names. Some people see them as labels, ineffectual ones at that. Some people do nothing but exist to be someone's boyfriend... girlfriend... husband... wife...
Personally, I don't mind the term boyfriend. While I admit it does have an immature feel to it. Thirty-two years old and calling (and being called) someone boyfriend? Seems silly, right? Is the term boyfriend a label, a title, a term of endearment?
When you think about what two people, who are exclusively dating, there are many terms that you might apply to them. Using my own situation here... Saying "a couple" seems fine, but non-descript at the same time. A couple of what!? Life Partner is too politically correct. Too sanitized of feeling and emotion. Significant Other falls in the same category as Life Partner, no emotion. It's what you say about someone and the person their dating when you aren't sure what exactly you might properly refer to them as. Husband comes with some legal implications and while the term is fine, I think it really should be used carefully and not easily tossed around. Someone I Have Strong Feelings For And Enjoy Spending Lots Of Time With... is a mouthful, but accurately gets the point across. Which brings us back to boyfriend. Is the Cute Teacher a boy? Hardly. But Guyfriend doesn't really sound right. My best friend, Mike, is a 'guy friend'. That is more of a term for friends. Manfriend sounds like you're speaking Caveman-ese. "This Cute Teacher. He Cris Manfriend."
So we're back to boyfriend. Which I'm perfectly ok with.
I think it's similar to how we feel towards public affection from our parents as we grow up. There is an awkward middle age where most people shy away from such overly sappy type displays from our parents in front of friends or relatives. Similarly, I think there is a middle age that the same thing happens with the term boyfriend. It's cute when a child has a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's also kinda cute when someone who is retired, perhaps widowed, has found a boyfriend or girlfriend. But that area in between... not so much. I guess you can either embrace it or shun it.
As for Valentine's Day itself, I once was a hater of it. Mainly in high school and early college. At some point I just didn't care anymore. I wasn't a big dater back then anyway. So being single on Valentine's Day wasn't an issue I really gave any thought about. I could be just as depressed about being single anytime of the year. I didn't need a special day to remind me.
Conversely, being un-single on Valentine's Day is nice, but not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I don't need a special day to remind me of my feelings for someone. I can say how I feel any day of the year, and typically do. Having said that, I will say that it is nice to be thought of though. It's not hypocritical of any previous statements I just made. Simple put, whether you are single or not, it is always nice to know that someone is thinking about you. Hopefully it doesn't take presents or flowers or chalky candy hearts with trendy sayings. Hopefully someone is thinking about you on other days besides holidays. Or let someone know that you are thinking of them. It doesn't have to involve romance. It could be something simple as a card or a phone call or a surprise visit. So while I'm not a flowers and presents type of guy, I really do think it is the thought the counts. Be thankful for those people in your life that you care about and the ones that care about you. Let them know it.
I am thinking of you!
Happy Valentine's Day!Labels: cute teacher, holiday, introspective, love |
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I posted this @ 2/14/2007 12:51:00 PM.............Need a link?..........
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| 1/19/2007 |
IN MY FATHER'S EYES
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Do you think you'd would make a good parent? Or if you are one now... did you think you'd be a good parent before you were?
A long time ago, I had a dream that I was a father. I had just witnessed the birth of my child and I couldn't have been happier. I was running through the streets announcing it to everyone I met.
Now this was many many years ago, before I came out (BICO for future reference). I was still living in NCity. There was a lot of change going on in the lives of my friends. I think that a lot of meaning from the dream was dealing with change and change in my own life as well. It really was a new phase in my life. A birth of sorts.
I've wrote before about my thoughts BICO, about having a family of my own one day. In addition to those thoughts of having kids of my own I thought about my interactions with my friends who would be having children. If I couldn't be a Dad myself, I would want to play 'Uncle' to my friends kids and shower them with attention. I could do that.
If I did have kids, hopefully it would've been within a similar time as my friends so that just as I grew up with most of the people that I am close friends with now. Our children could grow up with such life long friends. It was something important that I wanted to make sure my kids had.
Now, here I am. Early-thirties. No kids. And not the 'Uncle' relationship that I would've thought I would have. I don't say that negatively towards my friends who have kids. We're still cool, you guys. ;-) I say it more in a mourning way that I didn't make more of the time at the time.
I've often said that my mind works like a movie. Scenes play out on how I'd like things to be. I often work things up in my head and can be disappointed when they don't play out as the beautiful masterpieces I had envisioned. Things may be great, but I probably imagined it better. It's a fault of mine, I would say.
I would say that I'm not the first person anyone would think of to ever babysit. I think I give off an aloofness towards children that makes people think I don't like kids.
I was an only child for the majority of my life and when I did finally have siblings they didn't live with me. I have not been around many small babies. So learning what to do and how you take care of a small little person is still very very new to me. It wouldn't be something I would want to do by myself. Not at first anyway...
I should stop now before this starts really sounding like a mid-life crisis. It's not. Just had parents on the mind...Labels: children, introspective |
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I posted this @ 1/19/2007 08:32:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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