My maternal grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. I didn't mention it at the time because... well... really what is there to mention about her? She is someone that I haven't spoken with since I was about 10 years old. Her husband, my maternal grandfather passed away a couple years ago and it was the same feeling. Or lack of feeling...
These are not the Grandparents who raised me. These are people on my Mother's side of the family.
Should I feel worse because someone that I am related to died? Because I honestly feel nothing. I can't even say I'd call them family. I keep a very unconventional definition of family. I am closer to some friends than I am some blood relatives. The saying goes "you can pick your friends, but not your family." I would disagree with that to a certain extent. You might not be able to pick who you are related to, but you can certainly pick you who you choose to call family.
Before my maternal grandfather passed away, I received an email from my mother. She said that he was ill and suggested that I go see him at some point. While I didn't see anything wrong with that idea. I didn't see the point either. It would be like visiting a stranger. While the news of my maternal grandmother's death was a bit more of a surprise (no one to suggest I should go see her before she dies), I can't imagine much was expected really.
My paternal Grandmother (the one who did raise me) called me to give me the news. She read it in my hometown paper. She asked if my mother had called me. She had not. A few days later I was planning on making a trip to see my paternal Grandmother. It was then she asked me if I was contacted by anyone on my mom's side of the family. Again, no. I guess I was to be a pallbearer at the funeral which was the prior weekend. My name was listed in the obituary as such. Oops!
Now here is where I get emotionally confused inside. Do I have much contact with that side of the family? No. Would I have gone to the funeral? No. Am I surprised that no one bothered to tell me at all? Yes, actually... A little. While I openly admit I don't feel anything, that doesn't mean that they don't. Or my biological mother specifically doesn't. If she cared enough to want me to go see her father, I'm surprised that there wasn't at least some acknowledgment for her mother.
Don't get me wrong. It's not keeping my up at night. But it just goes to show the on again-off again feeling of caring that she has. Does she want to maintain an open line of communication or not? I can't tell most of the time.
I learned that there are several families of aunt and uncles here in the city that I never knew existed. The curious side of me wants to know who they are. I probably won't... because.. really, why? It wouldn't serve to gain anything.
Maybe this is a little too personal for a blog, but I guess if you know me then you probably aren't' surprised by any of this, because you've heard me mention it before.Labels: family, introspective |
