| 10/11/2006 |
I'M COMING OUT - Part 2
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Since it is National Coming Out Day I thought it was an appropriate time to share my own 'coming out' story.
Hindsight is usually 20/20. So it is easy to look back and say, "Well, duh. This should've been a dead give away," or "If it was so obvious to you back then, why didn't you let me know." But it doesn't happen that way. If having others point out such things was the easy way to discover anything about ourselves we all would be so self-actualized.
The earliest conversation (with myself) that I can remember having sort of involved my brother. His mother had remarried and there were still lingering feels of hurt in regards to how our father had left the situation. My brother and I were driving around having a heart-to-heart conversation and I remember saying that I hoped he kept our last name. It seemed like a selfish thing to say. He was young. Having a different name than everyone else in his immediate family I thought would be awkward for him. It was definitely a self-serving request. Yet, in my mind, I was thinking... "What if I *am* gay and I never have kids? Who would pass on the family name?"
I know... petty, selfish, and self-serving. It's all about honesty right now.
My exposure to gay culture was very limited. Our small town 'role model' was a transvestite who had a penchant for fishnets and wearing enough make-up to be confused for an extra in Moulin Rouge.
I didn't know any gay men with children. I didn't know any gay men that had typical family lives and carried on about their day like everyone else did. Like I said... I was naive. What did I know?
The idea of children someday, for me, was a big deal. I struggled with the idea of being gay mainly because of what I thought it'd mean for a chance to settle down with someone and have a normal family life. I don't blame my small town as the reason. But the lack of exposure certainly contributed to such ideas.
A few years passed before I really ever gave it another thought. I didn't date anyone in high school. My focus was on graduating and then getting a job. A social life (other than hanging out with my friends) wasn't something I was interested in. I would say I was not as comfortable with my geekiness either back then. So a bit of wallflowerishness was to blame for some of my lack of a dating life. I often wonder had I been more outgoing if I would've figured things out sooner.
There were conversations that I know happened behind my back. After all I wasn't dating. I rarely talked about any interest in anyone. Hardly dated. I think there is a certain step in a person's train of thought where "are they gay?" crosses their mind. Whether they vocalize it or not... I don't think it is an uncommon thought.
A former boss had casually asked a coworker once if I was gay. It wasn't meant maliciously. At the time I wasn't out. I never had any problems before or after I found out that he had asked. I think it even prompted a discussion with the coworker where I had said that I could see possibly being bi but I didn't know about being full-on gay.
I laugh at this because I think there is a certain logic that I used that really didn't make any sense. So, I wasn't dating anyone... Maybe only had one or two girls that I'd liked or even that I had gone out with. It was never sexual. Yet, suddenly I'm saying, oh I might like dudes too? As if somehow I'd been there, done that and was moving on. Pfft... What did I know?!
I think that if I had moved away to go to college I might have figured things out sooner. This was another point in my life where I think I was at a personal crossroads for many things that were happening.
I really only made big announcement type outings of myself to two people. The very first person I told and the person who's friendship I couldn't imaging living without, Mike. Most other people were told casually in conversation. A question would come up if I was single or dating anyone. If I was, then I would say his name. I tried to steer clear of genderless terms and pronouns if possible. The only time I felt this wasn't possible was at my last job. It was a large Catholic organization. I didn't see it as a very career advancing move to talk about my personal life. For better or worse, that isn't an issue anymore.
But I got sidetracked... No one seemed to have a very surprised reaction. Which, later, struck me as being funny. Was I obviously gay to someone or were they just being kind and going with whatever I would say?
The two most memorable reactions I heard were from my Grandmother and my best friend, Mike.
My Grandmother was looking through recent photos I'd taken. This included one of me and the guy I was seeing at the time. She asked who it was and I told her very matter of factly that it was the guy I was dating. She nodded and went on to the next picture. Expecting a much larger reaction, I was stunned by the lack of one. Is the lack of a response still a response? Later that same day I asked her if she understood what I was saying when I said it was my boyfriend (Did I think she was suddenly dumbstruck?) "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, Cris." God bless my Grandmother. So while she never asked about my social life before, I don't consider it any different for her to not ask about it now. It was such a non-issue that it threw me for a loop. Boyfriends past have met my Grandmother and everything was just fine.
The other reaction was from Mike. We had been recently fighting and I was unsure where we stood with each other after that fight. Things were on the mend, but the day I went to talk to him wasn't about the argument we had been having. I think he could tell that I had something on my mind. I have no poker face and wear my heart on my sleeve.
There had been a missed party and a 'secret' date that he didn't know about at the time. An ironic comment had been made about where I might have been, on a date with a guy, was what he offered as a possibility. Little did he know he right he was.
I vividly remember the scene. He stood in the kitchen and I stood on the other side of his breakfast bar (otherwise known as the physical manifestation of my emotional shield).
C: Remember when I missed that party?
M: Yeah.
C: It was because I was on a date.
M: Oh?
C: With a guy. His name is ____.
M: Really?
C: Yeah.
M: Really!!?
C: Yeah!
M: Want a beer?
C: God, yeah.
We talked for a while after that and while it was a huge weight of my chest, I was unsure of the ramifications it might have. Mike and I have a friendship that would almost seem to be composed of exact opposites. I've always been one not to question it. It works how it works. Why mess with it? And when I told him I was gay, I thought I was doing some serious messing with how it works. In the end, it worked out just fine. All that worry for nothing.
I think that I've been fortunate that friends and family have been they way they are. I would use the word supportive, but... Well while friends certainly have been supportive, family have been non-issuey. Not against me. But not really asking anymore than they ever asked. So no change on that front. No one has disowned me at least.
Since then one of the funniest reactions I've heard is a story that I wanted to save for such an occasion.
At work we started a joke called the Wall Of Hotness. It was meant to poke fun at a coworkers unnatural obsession with Alan Alda. It grew from there to be something that all of us on the team have contributed too. Each person has a section off wall with various photos of people we find attractive. Recently when a new employee started and noticed the WoH, we explained what was going on and who each person was.
"So who has the one with Sean Astin?" she asked.
"It's mine," I say.
"But it's all guys?!" is her reply.
"Yeah. Yeah it is."
*crickets... crickets...* Finally someone broke the silence with a forced laugh.
She later admitted that she was having a "blonde moment" and it didn't sink in right away why I would have all guys on my version of the WoH. It wasn't an issue with her. She just admittedly wasn't that quick on the pick up.
I suppose all of this has a very anti-climactic ending. Like I said... Nothing Pulitzer-worthy here. Hope you enjoyed it just the same.
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I posted this @ 10/11/2006 09:31:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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