| 6/16/2006 |
A CHANGE WOULD DO YOU GOOD
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Let me preface all of this by saying that I am loathe to use the phrase Drama Queen in any description of myself. 1) I don't think I'm that dramatic. Sometimes my ramblings can seem so. I just think that speaking in the superlative can make for a better story. 2) I typically save all the drama for discussions that aren't digitally engraved into the internet so they can't be accessed as easily if someone wanted to prove it to me. Having said that, I have my DQ moments, like I'd bet most people do. I usually can snap myself out of a run-of-the-mill funk by reminding myslf that things could be worse. That method is just not working lately.
I've mentioned this as a sidenote before. My best friend and I can be quite opposite at times. Where he has stated that he doesn't like change, he deals with it a lot better than I do. I claim to like change, but really... Change is scary. Change can be unknown. Good or bad, Known can be planned for. You can prepare for Known. Unknown is much harder. There are too many variables. Too many what-ifs.
When I worked for a crisis hotline I would tell callers quite often that 99% of the what-ifs they could imagine weren't going to happen. That they would drive themselves crazy trying to plan for them all. I'm not being hypocritical when I say it now. I'm just not taking my own advice as often as I should.
Have you ever just woke up one day and felt like you just woke up? Suddenly things were clearer. You understood things that you'd struggled with before. The problems you faced in the past had attainable solutions. Yeah... that's not happened to me yet.
What has happened is that I wake up and realize the things I feel are missing in my life or have been left behind, I might not ever be able to have.
Can you mourn a life that never was? When is it too late to ressurect something you thought was gone forever?
There are friends that I've not spoken to in... in longer than I'd care to sit down and calculate because it drives home the realization of how much time has passed. There are things I've not done in a long time that I used to enjoy. The reason I try not to think about them is the same as the previous reason.
I try not to ball up and just let the world go by, but I fear that is what I've been doing. People, events, places, opportunities have come and gone and I've watched them. I even waved at a few of them as I stood there idly watching. Smiling to myself thinking that one day that'd be me. But motion like that takes action. Action takes motivation. Motivation takes a desire to change. Did I mention change is scary?
This isn't to say that I am looking for fault or a place for blame in anyone or any situation outside of myself. It is just something that has been on my mind and I needed to get it out. Hopefully get some perspective on it. |
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I posted this @ 6/16/2006 09:39:00 AM.............Need a link?..........
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